carolina charm

well i made it t north carolina! i had 2 final exams yesterday and an hour to spare to catch  cab and make my flight. while despised by about 224 of my classmates, i received the exam a few minutes before everyone else and got to get going on it. finished it in 20 minutes and flew home. the cab was thankfully 10 minutes early and my flight delayed by an hour! my luck has been like that for as long as i can remember. things. just. work. out. all the time! by no means am i complaining, but i fear it may not last forever.

today was spent sleeping in, eating brunch my parents, shopping all afternoon, then attending a reading event at a museum here, coming home and wrapping presents.

i was outside about an hour ago, smoking and baking, and i saw this all white cat statue on a neighbor's porch a few hundred feet away. well, i swore it was a statue haha, until it hopped down and came trotting cross the yard and street to get to me. he was pretty sweet at first as i was taking to him so i squatted down to get more on his level. he plopped over, and i know damn well better than to just rub a strange cat's belly (though the temptation to do so is great). i walked further into the driveway and stopped. he followed me and started doing figure 8s around my legs. again i squatted down and he let me pet him. after i pet him for a minute, he nipped me lightly on my hand. i could see his posture change a little so i began to stand up. HE FUCKING LUNGED AT ME and dug his claws into my calf! mother fuckin fucker man! what a huge all-white semi-feral tom-cat bastard! he then proceeded to stalk me the whole way around to the back of the house until i went inside. i've worked with real feral cats before and never been so creeped out. i got the message kitty, it's your hood.

so while shopping today i was thinking a lot about gender and children. specifically how we train them to do (perform) gender and then fit them into tidy little restrictive boxes. girl. boy. girl. boy. i was  shopping for a gift for my friend's 2 year old daughter and was in the toy section when i heard a man's voice say, "amber, where's the girl toys? the girl's toys, amber." here was this little girl, 2 years old at most, down the isle from me. she was looking at and actively playing with toy cars and trucks. her father was attempting to steer her toward the "girl" toys and away from the "boy" toys. why is it so critical for parents (especially fathers) to ensure their child's sex lines up with gendered TOYS! different genitals associated with different playthings? make believe. pretend. the colors also bug me beyond belief. blue and pink. pink. blue. entire aisles of distinctly segregated toys based solely on the idea that they are appropriate for one or the other gender! god i'd never even suggest to my child that she/he look at only some toys and not others or label them with such oppressive epithets. i recently read a study about lesbian parents and how they raise their children in the most gender neutral environments. essentially we let the child have more choice and freedom in the matter, as they should. gender is a social construction, a learned phenomena, and not as black and white and girl-boy. i've known several transgender, gender-queer, and gender-fuck folks and this attempt by society (macro and micro) to pigeonhole them into categories has been extremely painful to them developing their identities. they have been bombarded with these messages since birth of what's appropriate for them, with little reasoning beyond "it's just what we do." choice. why do we not allow more of our children this privilege? is it because of our insecurities as adults and the conformity pressure we face to have the perfect healthy child, be a good mother, a good father, a good grandparent? is it because we know people are judging us on how well we train our kids to be "normal?" siblings, parents, peers, neighbors, coworkers, educators...the list goes on about who we let influence our child rearing behaviors. independence is crucial for the development of identity and self esteem and i feel we must allow our daughters and sons so so much more! the only thing i can really do, however, is instill this notion in my friends' psyches, their childrens' phyches, and my own children's (when that time comes).

seeing my friend as a mother of a young daughter has simply astounded me. she is doing everything right to raise a strong, willed, even-tempered, confident, independent girl. she gives her SO much freedom in her play. she doesn't hunker around her daughter like so many parent do; waiting for the chance to step in, suggest they need help, or just step in without any prompting from the child asking for help. she plays rough with her, as most would only with sons. she speaks to her like she does anyone else, as an adult; outlining expectations in behavior and character - especially when it comes to discipline. 2 year olds have tantrums, as does this lil one, but my friend doesn't feed into them at all; she straight up tells her daughter she doesn't like her doing whatever she's doing and walks away. the fits usually last less than a minute after she does this. disproportionately helping little girls more than boys only feeds little girls' perceptions of insecurity, self-doubt, and vulnerability. kids get it man. they understand waaaaaay more than we like to give them credit for.