it is such a beautiful night here on the east coast!! clear starry skies, fair weather, and a lunar eclipse. last time i was out the moon was deep brownish-red and looked like a fucking orb in the sky! much as a styrofoam ball suspended from a ceiling from string would look. it was surreal. still is surreal. i was outside just looking up and wondering what ancient women ages ago thought about things like this.
events like these often get me to thinking about just how tiny and insignificant we all are. don't get me wrong, i believe we ARE significant, just not as much as we like to think. the universe is incomprehensibly large! i'm always astounded by the knowledge that each and every star in the sky is another sun with planets or two stars (suns) orbiting one another. we know this. and all we can see with our naked eye is our galaxy; our own relatively small one. there are millions of galaxies beyond ours. just bizarre. and simply intriguing.
i think a lot about life energy - positive and negative. every living thing on our planet has this energy. energy to grow, maintain, and eventually expire. every living thing has cells to nourish at a molecular level and there are a very limited types of cells, each with a particular structure and function. biology is still very new, there is a TON we have yet to understand about the living things all around us on our planet. i don't understand human's need to feel any more profound than any other creature. we have this innate desire to control and use everything in our power to exert our power.
i've encountered death a lot recently. my mom's best friend of 40 years just passed away in November and an old roommate's father just died last week. naturally events like this get me to thinking. about a lot of stuff, but especially the connections we make in life and the good we do. most importantly the good we do for other people. i am poor as shit, but i give to others (mostly strangers) as much as i possibly can without concern over what they do with it. i can't imagine what it takes to make and hold a sign up, announcing to the world your position in society and how hard up you are. i must be humiliating. i've been a full time student and renting for 8 years now, but i am still so much more fortunate than others. i know i have my health. a steady income. a car. gas. a roof. a bed. food. cats. cat food. a loving family. i have so much more than so many others do. i'm very fortunate. loss laways makes me think about what we really consider to be important in our lives.
experiencing the death of a loved one also makes me think about our things. just all the crap we accumulate over the years. starting last year i've begun to purge a lot. i have the ability to move away anyhere relatively easily. i have experienced great freedom from this realization. i am connected and invested in very few things. one of my favorite quotes is, "happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little." it's so fucking true. we tend to bestow meanings upon our things and they end up bringing us a little happiness. temporarily. i think it's far more important to find meaning and invest our energy in people; relationships.
relationships. i can't stop thinking about the girl i saw last wednesday! it's an all too familiar feeling, though it's been a while - 4 years to be exact. i think i mentioned before that i connect with others deeply, quickly, and effortlessly. well, i may have finally met my match in that department. perhaps it's because we're both very emotionally connected individuals. it's also weird to note another feeling i've felt before; the fact that i feel like we've known one another for ages, even though we've only just met recently. a very real and deep connection on a variety of levels. i'll be writing to her yet this evening to tell her some stuff. i find it easier to get out my true feelings when i write. honesty just seemingly flows forth lol. i want to tell her there are no guarantees with me or in life. that we will certainly have an awesome time when we're together. i can tell already that we can have loads of fun and intimacy in bed. most importantly intimacy. that i think we will both learn a lot from one another. that we're both very much in transitions. it's a little disorientating to be honest. ahhhh girls... i have no idea where this journey is taking me, but i'm most definitely heading down the path to find out as that's how i roll.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
carolina charm
well i made it t north carolina! i had 2 final exams yesterday and an hour to spare to catch cab and make my flight. while despised by about 224 of my classmates, i received the exam a few minutes before everyone else and got to get going on it. finished it in 20 minutes and flew home. the cab was thankfully 10 minutes early and my flight delayed by an hour! my luck has been like that for as long as i can remember. things. just. work. out. all the time! by no means am i complaining, but i fear it may not last forever.
today was spent sleeping in, eating brunch my parents, shopping all afternoon, then attending a reading event at a museum here, coming home and wrapping presents.
i was outside about an hour ago, smoking and baking, and i saw this all white cat statue on a neighbor's porch a few hundred feet away. well, i swore it was a statue haha, until it hopped down and came trotting cross the yard and street to get to me. he was pretty sweet at first as i was taking to him so i squatted down to get more on his level. he plopped over, and i know damn well better than to just rub a strange cat's belly (though the temptation to do so is great). i walked further into the driveway and stopped. he followed me and started doing figure 8s around my legs. again i squatted down and he let me pet him. after i pet him for a minute, he nipped me lightly on my hand. i could see his posture change a little so i began to stand up. HE FUCKING LUNGED AT ME and dug his claws into my calf! mother fuckin fucker man! what a huge all-white semi-feral tom-cat bastard! he then proceeded to stalk me the whole way around to the back of the house until i went inside. i've worked with real feral cats before and never been so creeped out. i got the message kitty, it's your hood.
so while shopping today i was thinking a lot about gender and children. specifically how we train them to do (perform) gender and then fit them into tidy little restrictive boxes. girl. boy. girl. boy. i was shopping for a gift for my friend's 2 year old daughter and was in the toy section when i heard a man's voice say, "amber, where's the girl toys? the girl's toys, amber." here was this little girl, 2 years old at most, down the isle from me. she was looking at and actively playing with toy cars and trucks. her father was attempting to steer her toward the "girl" toys and away from the "boy" toys. why is it so critical for parents (especially fathers) to ensure their child's sex lines up with gendered TOYS! different genitals associated with different playthings? make believe. pretend. the colors also bug me beyond belief. blue and pink. pink. blue. entire aisles of distinctly segregated toys based solely on the idea that they are appropriate for one or the other gender! god i'd never even suggest to my child that she/he look at only some toys and not others or label them with such oppressive epithets. i recently read a study about lesbian parents and how they raise their children in the most gender neutral environments. essentially we let the child have more choice and freedom in the matter, as they should. gender is a social construction, a learned phenomena, and not as black and white and girl-boy. i've known several transgender, gender-queer, and gender-fuck folks and this attempt by society (macro and micro) to pigeonhole them into categories has been extremely painful to them developing their identities. they have been bombarded with these messages since birth of what's appropriate for them, with little reasoning beyond "it's just what we do." choice. why do we not allow more of our children this privilege? is it because of our insecurities as adults and the conformity pressure we face to have the perfect healthy child, be a good mother, a good father, a good grandparent? is it because we know people are judging us on how well we train our kids to be "normal?" siblings, parents, peers, neighbors, coworkers, educators...the list goes on about who we let influence our child rearing behaviors. independence is crucial for the development of identity and self esteem and i feel we must allow our daughters and sons so so much more! the only thing i can really do, however, is instill this notion in my friends' psyches, their childrens' phyches, and my own children's (when that time comes).
seeing my friend as a mother of a young daughter has simply astounded me. she is doing everything right to raise a strong, willed, even-tempered, confident, independent girl. she gives her SO much freedom in her play. she doesn't hunker around her daughter like so many parent do; waiting for the chance to step in, suggest they need help, or just step in without any prompting from the child asking for help. she plays rough with her, as most would only with sons. she speaks to her like she does anyone else, as an adult; outlining expectations in behavior and character - especially when it comes to discipline. 2 year olds have tantrums, as does this lil one, but my friend doesn't feed into them at all; she straight up tells her daughter she doesn't like her doing whatever she's doing and walks away. the fits usually last less than a minute after she does this. disproportionately helping little girls more than boys only feeds little girls' perceptions of insecurity, self-doubt, and vulnerability. kids get it man. they understand waaaaaay more than we like to give them credit for.
today was spent sleeping in, eating brunch my parents, shopping all afternoon, then attending a reading event at a museum here, coming home and wrapping presents.
i was outside about an hour ago, smoking and baking, and i saw this all white cat statue on a neighbor's porch a few hundred feet away. well, i swore it was a statue haha, until it hopped down and came trotting cross the yard and street to get to me. he was pretty sweet at first as i was taking to him so i squatted down to get more on his level. he plopped over, and i know damn well better than to just rub a strange cat's belly (though the temptation to do so is great). i walked further into the driveway and stopped. he followed me and started doing figure 8s around my legs. again i squatted down and he let me pet him. after i pet him for a minute, he nipped me lightly on my hand. i could see his posture change a little so i began to stand up. HE FUCKING LUNGED AT ME and dug his claws into my calf! mother fuckin fucker man! what a huge all-white semi-feral tom-cat bastard! he then proceeded to stalk me the whole way around to the back of the house until i went inside. i've worked with real feral cats before and never been so creeped out. i got the message kitty, it's your hood.
so while shopping today i was thinking a lot about gender and children. specifically how we train them to do (perform) gender and then fit them into tidy little restrictive boxes. girl. boy. girl. boy. i was shopping for a gift for my friend's 2 year old daughter and was in the toy section when i heard a man's voice say, "amber, where's the girl toys? the girl's toys, amber." here was this little girl, 2 years old at most, down the isle from me. she was looking at and actively playing with toy cars and trucks. her father was attempting to steer her toward the "girl" toys and away from the "boy" toys. why is it so critical for parents (especially fathers) to ensure their child's sex lines up with gendered TOYS! different genitals associated with different playthings? make believe. pretend. the colors also bug me beyond belief. blue and pink. pink. blue. entire aisles of distinctly segregated toys based solely on the idea that they are appropriate for one or the other gender! god i'd never even suggest to my child that she/he look at only some toys and not others or label them with such oppressive epithets. i recently read a study about lesbian parents and how they raise their children in the most gender neutral environments. essentially we let the child have more choice and freedom in the matter, as they should. gender is a social construction, a learned phenomena, and not as black and white and girl-boy. i've known several transgender, gender-queer, and gender-fuck folks and this attempt by society (macro and micro) to pigeonhole them into categories has been extremely painful to them developing their identities. they have been bombarded with these messages since birth of what's appropriate for them, with little reasoning beyond "it's just what we do." choice. why do we not allow more of our children this privilege? is it because of our insecurities as adults and the conformity pressure we face to have the perfect healthy child, be a good mother, a good father, a good grandparent? is it because we know people are judging us on how well we train our kids to be "normal?" siblings, parents, peers, neighbors, coworkers, educators...the list goes on about who we let influence our child rearing behaviors. independence is crucial for the development of identity and self esteem and i feel we must allow our daughters and sons so so much more! the only thing i can really do, however, is instill this notion in my friends' psyches, their childrens' phyches, and my own children's (when that time comes).
seeing my friend as a mother of a young daughter has simply astounded me. she is doing everything right to raise a strong, willed, even-tempered, confident, independent girl. she gives her SO much freedom in her play. she doesn't hunker around her daughter like so many parent do; waiting for the chance to step in, suggest they need help, or just step in without any prompting from the child asking for help. she plays rough with her, as most would only with sons. she speaks to her like she does anyone else, as an adult; outlining expectations in behavior and character - especially when it comes to discipline. 2 year olds have tantrums, as does this lil one, but my friend doesn't feed into them at all; she straight up tells her daughter she doesn't like her doing whatever she's doing and walks away. the fits usually last less than a minute after she does this. disproportionately helping little girls more than boys only feeds little girls' perceptions of insecurity, self-doubt, and vulnerability. kids get it man. they understand waaaaaay more than we like to give them credit for.
Friday, December 17, 2010
sexcapades #1. on ice.
so...
date night went incredibly well! being so cold out, we both thought the domes/gardens would be really warm...not so much. the tropical dome was, so we spent most of our time in there. warm and lush. the african sausage tree was pretty weird. dinner was amazing too. we shared small plates of spiny tuna tartar tacos (tiny little things!), peruvian chicken, and bacon wrapped dates. magically delicious! we both drank the syrah. the atmosphere was warm soft and darker, with modern decor. this place was on the inside of an upscale downtown hotel, so there were lots of other people. far from crowded, however. a lot of after-business people were there, all dressed up in their suits and skirts as we arrived at 5. it's always strange to me how people do that day after day. dress up. no thanks. i guess it's just an expensive uniform. um sorry...detour :)
she drove so she asked what i wanted to do when our two glasses were gone. i asked her what she wanted to do and she kinda turned it right back around. i said we could chill at my place so we did. once back here i opened up my delirium noel (strong seasonal belgian brew) and she took a glass of cab. the radio was on 88.9, a listener-supported station with non-stop kick ass tunes and no commercials. again we just talked. probably for another 2 hours. well naturally the topics got dirtier as we became more familiar with each other. and i didn't start it, which is the funny part. we talked about virginity, porn, masturbation, and sex with both men and women. i learned we both lost our virginity at 14. i learned that none of her ex-boyfriends could keep up with her sex drive. i learned that she views sex as a critical element in a relationship, as it's a form of communication - an expression. i learned that she is HIGHLY monogamous. she confessed that she's wanted to jump my bones multiple times during the night. at that, i smiled and told her i just got hot, as i totally got a warm flash down below. for some genius reason, i had put my beer on the arm rest as we were talking and it totally tipped over and soaked the left side of my shirt and undershirt. i began cleaning it up and she was helping. we kinda came together at one point face to face and just paused. i asked her if i could kiss her, she smiled, nodded, and came closer. she's a very decent kisser. soft full lips, kind of more aggressive than i normally like, but it was hot. we came apart and i went around the corner to my room to go change my shirt. i was down to my jeans, undershirt, and bra when she came up behind me and told me how great my body looks. she asked if i needed help, i said maybe. i lifted my arms up she pulled the undershirt off over my head and tossed it on the floor. i reached over her shoulders and shut the door behind her (no idea when my mate was coming home) and slowly backed her up against it. i smelled her purfume for the first time in the night and told her how good she smelled. we started kissing again, this time a little more passionately. both of our hands promptly began traveling all over one another - up and down, front and back. i asked if she could help me out of my bra too, adding that if she thinks i look that good with my bra on, wait til it comes off ha (i love my tits). my bra came off. next to go was her shirt and bra. now totally topless, still with her back against the door, my leg in-between hers, she began to let out sweet little moans as we kissed. i took my belt off so i could grind up against her harder. she reached down as i whipped my belt form its loops and placed her hand on my crotch and began roughly rubbing me up and down. she then unbuttoned my pants and slid a hand in over my undies. i wiggled my hips which let my jeans fall to the floor and stepped out of one leg, allowing her to reach me all the better. i grabbed the front waist of her pants and kind of forcefully pulled her closer, then began to undo them. by this time i was so dripping wet and so excited to see what she looked like (the absolute best part in my opinion). she made a comment about why only one of her legs was shaved - something about no more hot water. i laughed took her hand and made her rub my leg. she had no idea i didn't shave and asked why i didn't. i asked her why she does. haha. anyway her pants came off and i took her hand and led her to my bed. i jumped up on it and laid down on my back diagonally across the bed. clad only in her sexy black lace thong, she crawled up on top of me, her hands kept constantly busy, touching, rubbing and kissing me all over. her hair was down at this point and was so incredibly soft. thick, curly, and black, like a goddess'! i couldn't keep my hands out of it, running my hands through it, the tops and sides, down to her scalp, pulling her closer to my body. my curiosity and impatience got the best of me and i flipped her over so i was then on top of her. kissing and gently biting her neck, my hand now rubbing her over her panties, very gently with the backs of my fingertips and nails at first - teasing her with light pressure. she grabbed my ass and pulled me up and i fell against her hard. she was in no mood for a tease lol. i answered her with my body and pressed my thigh into her warmth where her legs met. i was now straddling her leg, the pressure on both of our pussies. it drove her wild and she began to breathe heavier between her moans. i moaned along with her, as it was fucking turning me on tremendously! back to kissing her i kept the pressure on her with my thigh but scooted up to use the harder part of it near my hip. it was just what she needed. she was swearing at this point, saying "oh fuck yeah!" "shit" and "just like that!" i could tell she was getting closer to coming with each thrust of my pelvis. i stopped and removed my leg from in between hers. as i straightened up a little i could see just how flushed she was. her chest, belly, and neck all had red splotches. her cheeks were super rosy too (cute!). i moved along side her and helped her out of her panties, exposing her gorgeous cunt. i whipped mine off just as quickly. i told her she was so beautiful all over. she was kind of chubby down there and had short dark pubes only on her her lower mons, the rest bare. not much lady junk either haha. immediately i pushed her legs apart and crawled between them. my hand and mouth explored her insane slippery wetness, silky pink lips, and her tiny clit. i smoothly slipped two fingers in and began to fuck her slowly and progressively a little bit deeper, my lips and tongue still doing their thing all over her hard little clit. this led to a series of "oh my god!"s and she began to thrust her hips into my hand and face, forcing me deeper and deeper inside of her. i began to fuck her harder and faster, meeting the thrusting of her own body. she gripped my shoulders hard and her chest began to heave. she let out a few sweet moans and grunts as she came. my hand was still inside of her and with my last deep thrust i could feel her pussy contracting, spasming as she climaxed. i left my two fingers inside of her till the contractions subsided then slowly pulled out. my fingers were covered in her sweet creamy juice and it was all over my palm. i gently kissed her inner thighs, mons, and belly then worked my way back down, spread her pussy lips and licked her lightly, avoiding her sensitive clit for the time being. nothing gets me hotter and wetter than fucking and giving oral and i became acutely aware of my own wetness making its way out of me! i kissed her belly and breasts as i crawled back up her and laid on my side. she rolled into me to meet me, both now on our sides in the middle of the bed. she grabbed the inside of my thigh and pulled it up so my knee was bent and ran her hand up it until she reached my pussy. she gently stroked and poked around in my wetness, feeling for her way in - it didn't take her long to find my entrance. she put one finger in me and right away i asked for more. her two fingers now inside, she began fucking me. i could feel how wide open i was and still wanted more! i asked for three and she hesitated, pushed me all the way onto my back and did as i asked. the fullness felt so good and i told her so. my own hands were squeezing my breasts and/or on her head (that hair!). my right hand migrated down to my cunt and i pulled my wetness up and over my clit. i began rubbing myself back and forth and around in circles, somewhat matching her pace of in and out. i could feel myself approaching my climax and told her harder, deeper. again she complied. her face was very close to my pussy and our eyes were locked through my legs. she had such sweet, hungry eyes. i could see how turned on she was by watching and doing this to me, which only brought me closer. i frenetically rubbed myself harder in ever tighter circles around my clit, but now wanted speed and depth inside too. i managed to moan out "faster." she sped up a little bit and kept it just as hard. my body tensed up as my orgasm approached. i grabbed her wrist and pushed her in deeper, resulting in the hard pressure of her knuckles and palm on my entire pussy. my whole body convulsed as i came - i nearly gave myself a foot cramp! i could hear my own heartbeat in my ears too! i held her hand deep inside of me until my pussy stopped pulsing. she began to start slowly moving her fingers out and in again, which normally i love and can take, but it was too much right then. i still had her hand in mine and pulled her fingers out of me kissed them. she put them up to her mouth and sucked my come off if them, then kissed me deeply, finally collapsing beside me. we laid there for a while in my bed smiling, catching our breath, laughing, talking, rubbing each other's soft bodies and kissing. after a while, she looked at the clock and said she hated to go, but had to. we both got up and got dressed. i walked her out to her car, kissed her goodnight, and told her to drive safe, as she had an hour drive home. i was bummed she had to go so soon afterward, because i really had a blast with her and snuggling/kissing/talking would have been the best. legs all intertwined. hands continuing to innocently explore one another...
so today we both had some ouchie crotches! i am definitely familiar with the "i got fucked hard last night" soreness! since i worked all day and had to attend a funeral this evening, we sparsely texted, though i kept running through all of the events of the previous night and smiling. i was in the best mood at work and was really playful with the guys. they all get jealous of my "dates." so naturally i had to share a few details :)
all in all i was most impressed by how we communicated throughout the night. we talked about almost everything under the sun. i'm amazed at her depth. her level of reasoning. her analysis. she's totally bright and smarts are a big turn on for me. she's pretty in an unconventional way. milky white soft skin, thick long black curly hair, long face, very sweet yet intense brown eyes, super cute smile. she told me that she'd had a stroke at age 18 and that's what's responsible for her positivity and very real perspective on life.
we will not be seeing one another until i return from NC (29th), so t'll be interesting to see how things go from here. that gives me time to think about what i want right now, honestly though? i totally would have blown off my shit tonight to kick it with her again, as irresponsible as it would have been :) anyway, sleeeepy time. took fucken forevaa to write this out! lol
lata.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL
date night went incredibly well! being so cold out, we both thought the domes/gardens would be really warm...not so much. the tropical dome was, so we spent most of our time in there. warm and lush. the african sausage tree was pretty weird. dinner was amazing too. we shared small plates of spiny tuna tartar tacos (tiny little things!), peruvian chicken, and bacon wrapped dates. magically delicious! we both drank the syrah. the atmosphere was warm soft and darker, with modern decor. this place was on the inside of an upscale downtown hotel, so there were lots of other people. far from crowded, however. a lot of after-business people were there, all dressed up in their suits and skirts as we arrived at 5. it's always strange to me how people do that day after day. dress up. no thanks. i guess it's just an expensive uniform. um sorry...detour :)
she drove so she asked what i wanted to do when our two glasses were gone. i asked her what she wanted to do and she kinda turned it right back around. i said we could chill at my place so we did. once back here i opened up my delirium noel (strong seasonal belgian brew) and she took a glass of cab. the radio was on 88.9, a listener-supported station with non-stop kick ass tunes and no commercials. again we just talked. probably for another 2 hours. well naturally the topics got dirtier as we became more familiar with each other. and i didn't start it, which is the funny part. we talked about virginity, porn, masturbation, and sex with both men and women. i learned we both lost our virginity at 14. i learned that none of her ex-boyfriends could keep up with her sex drive. i learned that she views sex as a critical element in a relationship, as it's a form of communication - an expression. i learned that she is HIGHLY monogamous. she confessed that she's wanted to jump my bones multiple times during the night. at that, i smiled and told her i just got hot, as i totally got a warm flash down below. for some genius reason, i had put my beer on the arm rest as we were talking and it totally tipped over and soaked the left side of my shirt and undershirt. i began cleaning it up and she was helping. we kinda came together at one point face to face and just paused. i asked her if i could kiss her, she smiled, nodded, and came closer. she's a very decent kisser. soft full lips, kind of more aggressive than i normally like, but it was hot. we came apart and i went around the corner to my room to go change my shirt. i was down to my jeans, undershirt, and bra when she came up behind me and told me how great my body looks. she asked if i needed help, i said maybe. i lifted my arms up she pulled the undershirt off over my head and tossed it on the floor. i reached over her shoulders and shut the door behind her (no idea when my mate was coming home) and slowly backed her up against it. i smelled her purfume for the first time in the night and told her how good she smelled. we started kissing again, this time a little more passionately. both of our hands promptly began traveling all over one another - up and down, front and back. i asked if she could help me out of my bra too, adding that if she thinks i look that good with my bra on, wait til it comes off ha (i love my tits). my bra came off. next to go was her shirt and bra. now totally topless, still with her back against the door, my leg in-between hers, she began to let out sweet little moans as we kissed. i took my belt off so i could grind up against her harder. she reached down as i whipped my belt form its loops and placed her hand on my crotch and began roughly rubbing me up and down. she then unbuttoned my pants and slid a hand in over my undies. i wiggled my hips which let my jeans fall to the floor and stepped out of one leg, allowing her to reach me all the better. i grabbed the front waist of her pants and kind of forcefully pulled her closer, then began to undo them. by this time i was so dripping wet and so excited to see what she looked like (the absolute best part in my opinion). she made a comment about why only one of her legs was shaved - something about no more hot water. i laughed took her hand and made her rub my leg. she had no idea i didn't shave and asked why i didn't. i asked her why she does. haha. anyway her pants came off and i took her hand and led her to my bed. i jumped up on it and laid down on my back diagonally across the bed. clad only in her sexy black lace thong, she crawled up on top of me, her hands kept constantly busy, touching, rubbing and kissing me all over. her hair was down at this point and was so incredibly soft. thick, curly, and black, like a goddess'! i couldn't keep my hands out of it, running my hands through it, the tops and sides, down to her scalp, pulling her closer to my body. my curiosity and impatience got the best of me and i flipped her over so i was then on top of her. kissing and gently biting her neck, my hand now rubbing her over her panties, very gently with the backs of my fingertips and nails at first - teasing her with light pressure. she grabbed my ass and pulled me up and i fell against her hard. she was in no mood for a tease lol. i answered her with my body and pressed my thigh into her warmth where her legs met. i was now straddling her leg, the pressure on both of our pussies. it drove her wild and she began to breathe heavier between her moans. i moaned along with her, as it was fucking turning me on tremendously! back to kissing her i kept the pressure on her with my thigh but scooted up to use the harder part of it near my hip. it was just what she needed. she was swearing at this point, saying "oh fuck yeah!" "shit" and "just like that!" i could tell she was getting closer to coming with each thrust of my pelvis. i stopped and removed my leg from in between hers. as i straightened up a little i could see just how flushed she was. her chest, belly, and neck all had red splotches. her cheeks were super rosy too (cute!). i moved along side her and helped her out of her panties, exposing her gorgeous cunt. i whipped mine off just as quickly. i told her she was so beautiful all over. she was kind of chubby down there and had short dark pubes only on her her lower mons, the rest bare. not much lady junk either haha. immediately i pushed her legs apart and crawled between them. my hand and mouth explored her insane slippery wetness, silky pink lips, and her tiny clit. i smoothly slipped two fingers in and began to fuck her slowly and progressively a little bit deeper, my lips and tongue still doing their thing all over her hard little clit. this led to a series of "oh my god!"s and she began to thrust her hips into my hand and face, forcing me deeper and deeper inside of her. i began to fuck her harder and faster, meeting the thrusting of her own body. she gripped my shoulders hard and her chest began to heave. she let out a few sweet moans and grunts as she came. my hand was still inside of her and with my last deep thrust i could feel her pussy contracting, spasming as she climaxed. i left my two fingers inside of her till the contractions subsided then slowly pulled out. my fingers were covered in her sweet creamy juice and it was all over my palm. i gently kissed her inner thighs, mons, and belly then worked my way back down, spread her pussy lips and licked her lightly, avoiding her sensitive clit for the time being. nothing gets me hotter and wetter than fucking and giving oral and i became acutely aware of my own wetness making its way out of me! i kissed her belly and breasts as i crawled back up her and laid on my side. she rolled into me to meet me, both now on our sides in the middle of the bed. she grabbed the inside of my thigh and pulled it up so my knee was bent and ran her hand up it until she reached my pussy. she gently stroked and poked around in my wetness, feeling for her way in - it didn't take her long to find my entrance. she put one finger in me and right away i asked for more. her two fingers now inside, she began fucking me. i could feel how wide open i was and still wanted more! i asked for three and she hesitated, pushed me all the way onto my back and did as i asked. the fullness felt so good and i told her so. my own hands were squeezing my breasts and/or on her head (that hair!). my right hand migrated down to my cunt and i pulled my wetness up and over my clit. i began rubbing myself back and forth and around in circles, somewhat matching her pace of in and out. i could feel myself approaching my climax and told her harder, deeper. again she complied. her face was very close to my pussy and our eyes were locked through my legs. she had such sweet, hungry eyes. i could see how turned on she was by watching and doing this to me, which only brought me closer. i frenetically rubbed myself harder in ever tighter circles around my clit, but now wanted speed and depth inside too. i managed to moan out "faster." she sped up a little bit and kept it just as hard. my body tensed up as my orgasm approached. i grabbed her wrist and pushed her in deeper, resulting in the hard pressure of her knuckles and palm on my entire pussy. my whole body convulsed as i came - i nearly gave myself a foot cramp! i could hear my own heartbeat in my ears too! i held her hand deep inside of me until my pussy stopped pulsing. she began to start slowly moving her fingers out and in again, which normally i love and can take, but it was too much right then. i still had her hand in mine and pulled her fingers out of me kissed them. she put them up to her mouth and sucked my come off if them, then kissed me deeply, finally collapsing beside me. we laid there for a while in my bed smiling, catching our breath, laughing, talking, rubbing each other's soft bodies and kissing. after a while, she looked at the clock and said she hated to go, but had to. we both got up and got dressed. i walked her out to her car, kissed her goodnight, and told her to drive safe, as she had an hour drive home. i was bummed she had to go so soon afterward, because i really had a blast with her and snuggling/kissing/talking would have been the best. legs all intertwined. hands continuing to innocently explore one another...
so today we both had some ouchie crotches! i am definitely familiar with the "i got fucked hard last night" soreness! since i worked all day and had to attend a funeral this evening, we sparsely texted, though i kept running through all of the events of the previous night and smiling. i was in the best mood at work and was really playful with the guys. they all get jealous of my "dates." so naturally i had to share a few details :)
all in all i was most impressed by how we communicated throughout the night. we talked about almost everything under the sun. i'm amazed at her depth. her level of reasoning. her analysis. she's totally bright and smarts are a big turn on for me. she's pretty in an unconventional way. milky white soft skin, thick long black curly hair, long face, very sweet yet intense brown eyes, super cute smile. she told me that she'd had a stroke at age 18 and that's what's responsible for her positivity and very real perspective on life.
we will not be seeing one another until i return from NC (29th), so t'll be interesting to see how things go from here. that gives me time to think about what i want right now, honestly though? i totally would have blown off my shit tonight to kick it with her again, as irresponsible as it would have been :) anyway, sleeeepy time. took fucken forevaa to write this out! lol
lata.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
uppers
on a waaaaay lighter note, i'm excited to meet this girl tomorrow. we talked tonight on the phone for an hour. i made her laugh a lot. i'm glad that she not only gets, but appreciates my humor, as not all women do. she's also pretty mature, introspective, open minded, and positive! we have more in common that i initially thought :) we will be going to the botanical gardens after all and out for wine and delicious food afterward. my choice of date still seems awfully romantic to me...and i can tell she's already falling for me. hard core. it'll be interesting to see where this new friendship leads.
cheers to meeting new people...especially like-minded sisters!
cheers to meeting new people...especially like-minded sisters!
purging the dahmer case
well the paper was a success, submitted with 8 minutes to spare! it was all about gender-wage gap, comparatively in the US and Scandinavian countries. goddam it Sweden!! you fucking rock man...on so so many levels.
so i am DONE with writing for the semester! still have two finals though before i hit the skies and head to north carolina.
fuuuucked up shit man! my roomie is totally getting physically ill over this next story, so i gotta spew it out here, as keeping it in is just too fucking disturbing. and unfair. to me. if you're queasy or grossed out easily, stop reading here.
today in my last forensic pathology class, the lead investigator on the Jeffery Dahmer came in and spoke to us. i've had him as an instructor last semester for victimology, but did not recall this crazy tidbit of information. it was a pretty disturbing class, to say the least. many people had to excuse themselves over the content of the lecture. we were shown probably 200 pictures which are still highly classified within the police department. a lot of polaroids were shown to us that jeff himself took of his victims, taken during and after they were dying and long dead. he felt like everyone always left him, so he kept his victims around. in pieces. he was obsessed with anatomy and physiology and actually received medic training in the armed forces before getting discharged for alcoholism. as a kid he would collect roadkill, dissect it, and bury it. as he got older and experienced sexual awakening, this behavior intensified. the current theory is that he began to intertwine sexual urges and his desire for dead bodies, a bizarre and consequence laden melding of interests. he began to masturbate over the remains and inside of them. he then proceeded to prey on gay men in THIS city (disturbing in itself). he liked his victims thin so he could see their musculature, race wasn't important. an equal opportunity predator, if you will. his MO usually involved getting shitfaced and offering men in gay clubs or bars to go home with him and shoot some bondage pics with him. for cash. many obliged very willingly. he never took a victim using any sort or threat of force. once in his place, he'd offer them a drink in a glass where he had already put crushed sleeping pills in (usually 7). he'd fool around with them until they passed out 30 minutes later. while they were unconscious, he'd either fuck em every way imaginable, often bound, or he'd strangle them right away. basically live with and fuck them for two more days after their death. afterward, he begin to cut and open em up. he'd hang them by the neck on the shower spout. often the tub had multiple parts of bodies in it, from different people. he was obsessed with the viscera. hands and feet were always the first to go. he'd skin the bodies meticulously and proceed to dissect the body, cutting off muscle for his consumption (biceps taste the best, he thought). head was next to go. he'd then pose all of these parts and take photos of them. drawers full of them. he'd make a decision on which parts he wanted to keep around and preserve. most often it was the heads and penises (also scalps and a face), as he could "use" them. the disposable parts he'd put into a sealed bin with HCl to decompose. neighbors complained often of the smell coming from his place. it only escalated victim after victim.
twice he tried to create a human zombie sex toy by drilling a hole into his victims head and injecting stuff into their brains, placing them in a comatose state. one briefly got away after coming to and some firefighters found him naked in the streets, drunk as fuck, and not comprehending or speaking any english. the police were called. they returned him right to dahmers door, as he showed them pictures of his victim posed on the couch in his underwear. his explanation was it's his lover and he gets naked and funny when he's drunk. the police at time were beginning to treat all people, regardless of sexual orientation, the same. domestic=domestic. had they returned drunk naked women to their husbands? yeah sure. no different. well, this guy was toast after that. the firefighters nor the police ever noticed the hole in his head.
his last victim (still living. here!) again met him at the club, agreed to take some pics and fool around. for cash. jeff didn't have pills for this guy and decided to drink him under the table. they got wasted and fooled around and posed for pics. jeff pulled out some handcuffs and got them on one of the guy's wrist. the guy got the feeling something wasn't right and backed down a bit, saying he didn't want to be bound anymore. a drunken fight ensued and jeff pulled out his knife and the guy took off out the door in his underwear, barefoot, with one handcuff on. luckily he ran into two police officers walking their beat. he said he didn't want to press charges or anything, just wanted his shit back and get the handcuff off, as the police's smith & wesson keys didn't work to unlock them. the officers escorted him up to dahmer's apartment. as jeff opened up the door a crack the officers immediately smelled death. it's a smell, if you ever experience, you never forget. it's like coffee...you just know it when you smell it. they talked dahmer into letting them come in while the guy got dressed and collected his belongings. dahmer began looking for the cuff key (there never was one because he always cut the hands off of his victims to remove them). one of the cops, while also looking for the key, came across a partially open drawer. the officer could see the drawer full of pictures of what looked like dismembered bodies. he pulled the drawer open and saw jeff's collection of souvenirs. a big fight then broke out as the two officers tried to take him into custody. they eventually hog-tied him and peeked in the fridge and found jeff's favorite victim's head inside. top shelf. in the freezer, they found pre-packaged "meals" from his victims ready to thaw and cook.
and that was the end of mr. jd's killing spree. he was a very bright guy. white, from an upper-middle class family. he was a decent looking guy (without the molester/hipster glasses) he knew what he was doing was wrong. from the beginning. he went to great lengths to conceal his behavior: rape, murder, dismemberment, necrophilia, and cannibalism. he was extremely open and honest about his actions. he had remorse for his victim's families.
so fucking disturbing. and unusual. and opportunistic.
**************************************************
**************************************************
so how do people go so so wrong?! i'm always curious how people can have the capacity to hurt and/or murder other people. i mean, anyone can do it physically, but few have the actual psychological capacity to do so. do these people lack the general inhibition that a conscience provides? are they that damaged from nurture or lack thereof? is there a genetic/biological predisposition for potentially developing violent thoughts and behaviors? and what about paraphilias? we are far from even beginning to explain it, yet still we try.
i like to think that all humans are inherently good. but where does that put all the people who intentionally kill, rape, molest, beat, torture, or maim? and can these people be rehabilitated? different industrialized nations take a variety of stances on the subject. from complete isolation and sensory deprivation (well, if they weren't crazy to begin with...) to community involvement, inclusion, and socialization (yes, even violent murderers). rehabilitation to retrobution. it's hard to say what's right for who. every criminal and crime are unique in numerous ways and always involve many different circumstances. unfortunately, we can't break things down that far to analyze all of the circumstances surrounding every single crime and therefore have standard penalties ($/prison time/probation/parole) for deviant behavior. but the system has been and continues to be broken. worst part is that we know it, yet do nothing.
so i am DONE with writing for the semester! still have two finals though before i hit the skies and head to north carolina.
fuuuucked up shit man! my roomie is totally getting physically ill over this next story, so i gotta spew it out here, as keeping it in is just too fucking disturbing. and unfair. to me. if you're queasy or grossed out easily, stop reading here.
today in my last forensic pathology class, the lead investigator on the Jeffery Dahmer came in and spoke to us. i've had him as an instructor last semester for victimology, but did not recall this crazy tidbit of information. it was a pretty disturbing class, to say the least. many people had to excuse themselves over the content of the lecture. we were shown probably 200 pictures which are still highly classified within the police department. a lot of polaroids were shown to us that jeff himself took of his victims, taken during and after they were dying and long dead. he felt like everyone always left him, so he kept his victims around. in pieces. he was obsessed with anatomy and physiology and actually received medic training in the armed forces before getting discharged for alcoholism. as a kid he would collect roadkill, dissect it, and bury it. as he got older and experienced sexual awakening, this behavior intensified. the current theory is that he began to intertwine sexual urges and his desire for dead bodies, a bizarre and consequence laden melding of interests. he began to masturbate over the remains and inside of them. he then proceeded to prey on gay men in THIS city (disturbing in itself). he liked his victims thin so he could see their musculature, race wasn't important. an equal opportunity predator, if you will. his MO usually involved getting shitfaced and offering men in gay clubs or bars to go home with him and shoot some bondage pics with him. for cash. many obliged very willingly. he never took a victim using any sort or threat of force. once in his place, he'd offer them a drink in a glass where he had already put crushed sleeping pills in (usually 7). he'd fool around with them until they passed out 30 minutes later. while they were unconscious, he'd either fuck em every way imaginable, often bound, or he'd strangle them right away. basically live with and fuck them for two more days after their death. afterward, he begin to cut and open em up. he'd hang them by the neck on the shower spout. often the tub had multiple parts of bodies in it, from different people. he was obsessed with the viscera. hands and feet were always the first to go. he'd skin the bodies meticulously and proceed to dissect the body, cutting off muscle for his consumption (biceps taste the best, he thought). head was next to go. he'd then pose all of these parts and take photos of them. drawers full of them. he'd make a decision on which parts he wanted to keep around and preserve. most often it was the heads and penises (also scalps and a face), as he could "use" them. the disposable parts he'd put into a sealed bin with HCl to decompose. neighbors complained often of the smell coming from his place. it only escalated victim after victim.
twice he tried to create a human zombie sex toy by drilling a hole into his victims head and injecting stuff into their brains, placing them in a comatose state. one briefly got away after coming to and some firefighters found him naked in the streets, drunk as fuck, and not comprehending or speaking any english. the police were called. they returned him right to dahmers door, as he showed them pictures of his victim posed on the couch in his underwear. his explanation was it's his lover and he gets naked and funny when he's drunk. the police at time were beginning to treat all people, regardless of sexual orientation, the same. domestic=domestic. had they returned drunk naked women to their husbands? yeah sure. no different. well, this guy was toast after that. the firefighters nor the police ever noticed the hole in his head.
his last victim (still living. here!) again met him at the club, agreed to take some pics and fool around. for cash. jeff didn't have pills for this guy and decided to drink him under the table. they got wasted and fooled around and posed for pics. jeff pulled out some handcuffs and got them on one of the guy's wrist. the guy got the feeling something wasn't right and backed down a bit, saying he didn't want to be bound anymore. a drunken fight ensued and jeff pulled out his knife and the guy took off out the door in his underwear, barefoot, with one handcuff on. luckily he ran into two police officers walking their beat. he said he didn't want to press charges or anything, just wanted his shit back and get the handcuff off, as the police's smith & wesson keys didn't work to unlock them. the officers escorted him up to dahmer's apartment. as jeff opened up the door a crack the officers immediately smelled death. it's a smell, if you ever experience, you never forget. it's like coffee...you just know it when you smell it. they talked dahmer into letting them come in while the guy got dressed and collected his belongings. dahmer began looking for the cuff key (there never was one because he always cut the hands off of his victims to remove them). one of the cops, while also looking for the key, came across a partially open drawer. the officer could see the drawer full of pictures of what looked like dismembered bodies. he pulled the drawer open and saw jeff's collection of souvenirs. a big fight then broke out as the two officers tried to take him into custody. they eventually hog-tied him and peeked in the fridge and found jeff's favorite victim's head inside. top shelf. in the freezer, they found pre-packaged "meals" from his victims ready to thaw and cook.
and that was the end of mr. jd's killing spree. he was a very bright guy. white, from an upper-middle class family. he was a decent looking guy (without the molester/hipster glasses) he knew what he was doing was wrong. from the beginning. he went to great lengths to conceal his behavior: rape, murder, dismemberment, necrophilia, and cannibalism. he was extremely open and honest about his actions. he had remorse for his victim's families.
so fucking disturbing. and unusual. and opportunistic.
**************************************************
**************************************************
so how do people go so so wrong?! i'm always curious how people can have the capacity to hurt and/or murder other people. i mean, anyone can do it physically, but few have the actual psychological capacity to do so. do these people lack the general inhibition that a conscience provides? are they that damaged from nurture or lack thereof? is there a genetic/biological predisposition for potentially developing violent thoughts and behaviors? and what about paraphilias? we are far from even beginning to explain it, yet still we try.
i like to think that all humans are inherently good. but where does that put all the people who intentionally kill, rape, molest, beat, torture, or maim? and can these people be rehabilitated? different industrialized nations take a variety of stances on the subject. from complete isolation and sensory deprivation (well, if they weren't crazy to begin with...) to community involvement, inclusion, and socialization (yes, even violent murderers). rehabilitation to retrobution. it's hard to say what's right for who. every criminal and crime are unique in numerous ways and always involve many different circumstances. unfortunately, we can't break things down that far to analyze all of the circumstances surrounding every single crime and therefore have standard penalties ($/prison time/probation/parole) for deviant behavior. but the system has been and continues to be broken. worst part is that we know it, yet do nothing.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
soup chatter
mmmmm, split pea soup at 3 am! is there anything better?! yeah, probably, but still damn good on a frigid -10F night!
i've really done nothing today. i was supposed to be working on (you know...starting and finishing) a term paper for my industrial sociology class. alas, i have not even found pertinent references. it won't be a huge deal, as i have an A coming into it, it was my topic choice, and is mostly a reactionary paper. still, 8-10 pages is a lot for one day. and by the time i'll probably wake up, i'll be down to well <12 hours. that may sound like a lot of time, but i'm finding it hard to focus lately. i don't know if it's all the recent and impending life changes or what. i'm really not eating much either, which is not good. and not working out. double whammy.
i have a first date on wednesday. she's a super sweet girl. 24, nurse, great conversationalist, intelligent, emotional. a very old soul, like me. we seem to have a lot in common so far, but i know she's seeking a serious monogamous relationship. commitment. it's kind of off-putting; even the prospect of commitment. i've been nearly completely honest with her about the past few months and me dating at times up to three people at once. i have not disclosed to her, however, that many of these dating relationships primarily revolved around sex. just a conscious omission. anyway, we click a lot, but i can be pretty different in person. i'm a far better writer, when it comes to first impressions. i can come off as very brash to those first meeting me. which i guess in many ways i am. my self-confidence can appear to many as arrogance at first. until they get to know me a little bit better. my humor can be very crude and overtly sexual too. again, those who know me expect and love it. i love it. those who don't know me think i'm an angel, so often in new encounters, there's a clash of their expectations and reality. i like to push boundaries like that; test comfort zones without really consciously testing them. i don't know if that will make sense to anyone else. anyway, back to the date... i suggested we meet at the botanical gardens, mostly because i've been wanting to go there for years. also, i'm sure it will be beautiful, interesting, and most likely incredibly fragrant. and afterward, if she still wants to kick it, there's a high-end wine craze thing at a chill bar/lounge right downtown. small plates/tapas, $5/glass of 2 exclusive wines on wednesdays. i don't know what "exclusive" wine selection is all about, but the syrah/shiraz sounds fucking amazing. exclusive = amazing? we'll certainly find out. the whole scenario sounds soooo dreadfully romantic though! so not my style, but she's from well outside of the city so i thought i'd at least offer up a good time and do something different. and fun.
well, off to bed with my belly full of soup! tomorrow may just be hella stressing over the paper. and finances. we'll see what comes up.
...i'm so lazy lately. goodnight.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL
i've really done nothing today. i was supposed to be working on (you know...starting and finishing) a term paper for my industrial sociology class. alas, i have not even found pertinent references. it won't be a huge deal, as i have an A coming into it, it was my topic choice, and is mostly a reactionary paper. still, 8-10 pages is a lot for one day. and by the time i'll probably wake up, i'll be down to well <12 hours. that may sound like a lot of time, but i'm finding it hard to focus lately. i don't know if it's all the recent and impending life changes or what. i'm really not eating much either, which is not good. and not working out. double whammy.
i have a first date on wednesday. she's a super sweet girl. 24, nurse, great conversationalist, intelligent, emotional. a very old soul, like me. we seem to have a lot in common so far, but i know she's seeking a serious monogamous relationship. commitment. it's kind of off-putting; even the prospect of commitment. i've been nearly completely honest with her about the past few months and me dating at times up to three people at once. i have not disclosed to her, however, that many of these dating relationships primarily revolved around sex. just a conscious omission. anyway, we click a lot, but i can be pretty different in person. i'm a far better writer, when it comes to first impressions. i can come off as very brash to those first meeting me. which i guess in many ways i am. my self-confidence can appear to many as arrogance at first. until they get to know me a little bit better. my humor can be very crude and overtly sexual too. again, those who know me expect and love it. i love it. those who don't know me think i'm an angel, so often in new encounters, there's a clash of their expectations and reality. i like to push boundaries like that; test comfort zones without really consciously testing them. i don't know if that will make sense to anyone else. anyway, back to the date... i suggested we meet at the botanical gardens, mostly because i've been wanting to go there for years. also, i'm sure it will be beautiful, interesting, and most likely incredibly fragrant. and afterward, if she still wants to kick it, there's a high-end wine craze thing at a chill bar/lounge right downtown. small plates/tapas, $5/glass of 2 exclusive wines on wednesdays. i don't know what "exclusive" wine selection is all about, but the syrah/shiraz sounds fucking amazing. exclusive = amazing? we'll certainly find out. the whole scenario sounds soooo dreadfully romantic though! so not my style, but she's from well outside of the city so i thought i'd at least offer up a good time and do something different. and fun.
well, off to bed with my belly full of soup! tomorrow may just be hella stressing over the paper. and finances. we'll see what comes up.
...i'm so lazy lately. goodnight.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL
tea time
the quote on my teabag tonight made me think:
"it is not a privilege to know others. know yourself, that's a privilege"
as good as it is to know and love others, self-knowledge and self-love are amazing things to possess. knowledge and love of self are some of the most important things to have, but obtaining them is not stressed or taught to us in our society. nor is it a focus in our primarily monotheistic religions. we are so fucking distracted, presented with millions of options - things, activities, people, and people's things all vying for out attention, time, and energy.
distracted from life, by life.
just a thought.
"it is not a privilege to know others. know yourself, that's a privilege"
as good as it is to know and love others, self-knowledge and self-love are amazing things to possess. knowledge and love of self are some of the most important things to have, but obtaining them is not stressed or taught to us in our society. nor is it a focus in our primarily monotheistic religions. we are so fucking distracted, presented with millions of options - things, activities, people, and people's things all vying for out attention, time, and energy.
distracted from life, by life.
just a thought.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Currently...
there's a lot going on in my life right now; finishing university, looking at career options all over this fucked up country and abroad, working, dating, and being slutty. and when i say slutty, i mean meeting incredible women and having immense fun. retarded fun, really, both in and out of the bedroom, though mostly in.
i've been extremely relationship prone in my adult life and this is the first time i've ever had the (amazing) opportunity to just date as a hot, young(ish), gay lady. since my breakup in june, i've dated and/or slept with over 10 girls, most of them often. my numbers of women are finally about to top the number of men i've been with, which just makes me want to barf. but mini-me was not the brightest at times so i forgive her. what would i be without all of my experiences? i surely wouldn't be me, i know this much. so, what have i gained through this (at least neck-deep) venture into poon lately?
1) connections i make to people are lasting.
i feel that the moments we share with others (no matter how seemingly insignificant) all happen for a reason and affect things down the line. whether this be an intimate relationship or smiling at a stranger on the street and saying hi. i'm big on doing such things like that, dishing out random compliments, and talking (sometimes at length) with random people. positivity is contagious! anyway, i've felt like we all bump into one another and leave our tiny to huge invisible mark on others and their lives. people tend to trust me quickly, easily, and deeply which i like, but can't often return. losing a connection is also painful. such as when one of my favorite girls began to date someone exclusively recently. i miss her and the time, laughs, and playtime we shared with one another. a lot. she was incredibly intimate all of the time. loved to touch and kiss. gentle soft stuff. she was beautiful. lesbian. had a perfect body. she was the perfect mix of femininity for me, yet had many endearing tomboyish qualities too. i found it comforting when i was with her, though exhausting because we rarely got more than 2 hours of sleep. she was the best kisser and masseuse i've been with. we just connected on a variety of levels, though consciously and openly kept it commitment free. dating her seriously would never have worked. we had our fun though (18 nights of it over 6 weeks) and i'm thrilled she has found someone and is in love.
2) i heart pussy.
pretty obvious here, but i really love love love it. everything about it. i love a woman in ecstasy and it has been a blessing to experience such intimate things with so many other women. i've known i was 'different' since about age four. i just knew things didn't mesh inside of me with every standard of heterosexuality. no prince charming for this little one - i wanted boobs! haha. i had crushes on lots of girls from the movies: jennifer grey (dirty dancing), jennifer beals (flashdance), christina ricci (casper, addams family), and many many others. i never had a crush on a boy growing up. sure i pretended to fit in with my peers beginning in grade school. again, i knew i was different, and felt very alone in this respect. i felt odd and felt the need to hide the oddity from everyone. i had major crushes on some of my best friends which is extremely common for us queer folk. i didn't realize the stigma attached to what i feared i was until the passage of DADT in 1994. that is when i learned the word lesbian. lesbian. LESBIAN. then i was afraid and probably overcompensated for this by being absolutely irresponsible with guys and afterwards having a 3 year committed LTR with a boy in HS. Steve, my first real bf. After this came Bill for a year, then Mitch for 6 months. i lost my virginity at 14. it was the most disappointing thing. we walked home from junior high a mile or so away, smoked some cigarettes, got to my parents home, went straight to my room, made out for a bit and i gave him the green light. i was paranoid and made him wear 2 condoms. he put it in with relatively no discomfort on my end and immediately came. he said he loved me and i bought it. we saw one another for 6 months, until he cheated on me with a super slutty mcslutterson with purple hair and told me that i was more of a guy than he was (i swear and spit a lot). long story short, i always resented men for wanting me sexually. i made bfs feel guilty over it. it's terrible and i've broken more than one heart in my day. some of my best friends are men, we just get one another. i also get hit on by men all of the time and am flattered, until they say something like "why?" i like to spell it out for them. i say, "assuming you're an entirely heterosexual male (which i don't believe many men really are). hm? how would you feel sleeping with a man? oh, disgusted. really? well it is the exact same for me." sometimes they get it, sometimes they don't.
3) sex is powerful.
i had a feeling about this one prior to setting out on the poon trail, but it's surprised me. sex = power. sex has been a highly motivating force; i've written 8 page research papers in a few hours because the guarantee of pussy that night. the more i've gotten, the more i wanted more of it...like a drug. i can't say i've ever been hornier in my life. i want to fuck right now in fact. i'm always on. i like it, but it's fairly new to me. one of my partners (39 y/o) said i'm peaking early, but i have since met other equally unabashedly horny sexual women, younger than me even.
4) quantity over quality?
absolutely not! though i am still vary actively seeking partners, quality is key. i love waking up next to a woman. i love intimacy. i love kissing and touching the softness of women, the connections that only we can make to one another. simply put - women loving women. i've had partners who were detached emotionally from the whole situation and it was a huge turn off. bad energy manifesting in lack of interest in me (while boinking), bad kissing, shitty massages, and acting cold the following day. so there's been a handful of partners who i did not really dig, for various reasons. there have been more positive experiences though. beautiful, amazing, funny, sexual, confident, feminine women, young (21) to old (39), lesbian and bi-sexual.
5) fetishes are interesting.
understand that i have yet to meet this girl, in person. we text daily, sometimes for lengths of time. some of the most bizzare shit i've ever heard come from a woman has come from her. she likes panties. and bras. and shoes. skirts. really anything we've labeled as highly feminine. some risky porn (some illegal and repulsive to me). her own cunt. sticking objects onto her cunt. erotic photography of herself (i've received well over 300 pics of her), her cunt's secretions. other people's cunt's secretions and underwear. pee. being fucked like her lover hates her. hmm, i feel like i'm missing some. anyway the thing that is so novel to me is the fact that THINGS turn her on. like tangible objects. so to me, the person and their personality, attractiveness, smarts, and other things are what get me hot. sure clothes can be sexy as fuck, but it's always the person IN those clothes that turns me on...not the articles of clothing themselves. also new to me is the depth of her freely shared thoughts and desires. i don't know if i will ever meet her in person, as she seems to like to tease and i'm quickly getting fed up with it. she is an international business professional and travels all over for work on a weekly basis. she is smart. she is loaded. she is not terribly attractive, but far from a dog. she has the biggest ass i've ever seen on a white girl! all hips and ass, little A/B boobs. petite. uncommon proportions.
one day i was working and i got a text that said, "i was naughty." i asked what about, but had a vague idea. she told me to go outside and look on the side of the building, that there would be a white plastic grocery bag with something in it ("it looks like garbage" were her exact words), and to pick it up. i thought....weird, but ok. i went outside and did as she said and there was bag with her wet pink lace thong underwear in it that she had just taken off outside of my place of employment. crazy? perhaps. i know my limits and am fairly assertive so would be comfortable meeting her still, just not sure if she is serious about it all. my first fetishy girl is one i'll definitely remember. i've told a few friends about her and they all find it fucking hilarious. well, besides the big tease part. let's call her "fetishy sexter" from now on, shall we? because i'm sure she'll be giving me something to talk about in the near future.
i've grown attracted to menstruation, and some might see that as fringe, but i think it's hot. and messy. it's feminine and hormones are raging, idk.
6) monogamy for one and all?
probably not. well, not for a looooong time. i've often wanted more when i exclusively saw one person. especially sexually. the only thing i can do is be entirely upfront and honest about this to new potential long term partners (none as of yet). it takes a lot of trust in committed relationship to have this freedom and i honestly hope i one day find that. of course i understand that my sexuality and desires will change a bit in the future and i may not want this in a few years. we shall see.
7) bisexuals?
i'm still on the fence over this one. it's probably because i used to identify as bisexual when i had bfs, though only a few knew about it. i used this label as a transition for myself and my acceptance of my utter homosexuality. it was easier at the time i guess. this idea places bisexuals at a unique place in the pecking order of queerness. i know of many lesbians who marginalize bisexuals and hold very stereotypical beliefs about them. such as their inability to commit and their ability to not have to come out as queer folk. i still prefer lesbian women as partners, as we typically share more things in common, but am open to dating bisexual women too.
8) i like to party!
this one caught me off guard a little bit too. i'm drinking, smoking, and toking more than i ever have. i feel like i'm in this cyclone of transition in my life and am all about having fun. i was socially retarded for a while, as i was addicted to narcotics (pain meds, prescribed, abused rarely) for a period of time. for the first time in years, i am seeking, and thriving on, interaction with others. i have a few friends who are also somewhat recently single and this theme seems to be present in all over our lives to one degree or another.
though i know there's more, i can't think of anything else right now...it's late. real late. this week is finals week and sleep would probably be helpful.
so, that's the current me. or a big part of the current me at least. how's that for throwing yourself out there? i like to think and question why things are the way they are and why i do things...idk, i'm very introspective about life and the crazies it brings to many of us.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL :)
i've been extremely relationship prone in my adult life and this is the first time i've ever had the (amazing) opportunity to just date as a hot, young(ish), gay lady. since my breakup in june, i've dated and/or slept with over 10 girls, most of them often. my numbers of women are finally about to top the number of men i've been with, which just makes me want to barf. but mini-me was not the brightest at times so i forgive her. what would i be without all of my experiences? i surely wouldn't be me, i know this much. so, what have i gained through this (at least neck-deep) venture into poon lately?
1) connections i make to people are lasting.
i feel that the moments we share with others (no matter how seemingly insignificant) all happen for a reason and affect things down the line. whether this be an intimate relationship or smiling at a stranger on the street and saying hi. i'm big on doing such things like that, dishing out random compliments, and talking (sometimes at length) with random people. positivity is contagious! anyway, i've felt like we all bump into one another and leave our tiny to huge invisible mark on others and their lives. people tend to trust me quickly, easily, and deeply which i like, but can't often return. losing a connection is also painful. such as when one of my favorite girls began to date someone exclusively recently. i miss her and the time, laughs, and playtime we shared with one another. a lot. she was incredibly intimate all of the time. loved to touch and kiss. gentle soft stuff. she was beautiful. lesbian. had a perfect body. she was the perfect mix of femininity for me, yet had many endearing tomboyish qualities too. i found it comforting when i was with her, though exhausting because we rarely got more than 2 hours of sleep. she was the best kisser and masseuse i've been with. we just connected on a variety of levels, though consciously and openly kept it commitment free. dating her seriously would never have worked. we had our fun though (18 nights of it over 6 weeks) and i'm thrilled she has found someone and is in love.
2) i heart pussy.
pretty obvious here, but i really love love love it. everything about it. i love a woman in ecstasy and it has been a blessing to experience such intimate things with so many other women. i've known i was 'different' since about age four. i just knew things didn't mesh inside of me with every standard of heterosexuality. no prince charming for this little one - i wanted boobs! haha. i had crushes on lots of girls from the movies: jennifer grey (dirty dancing), jennifer beals (flashdance), christina ricci (casper, addams family), and many many others. i never had a crush on a boy growing up. sure i pretended to fit in with my peers beginning in grade school. again, i knew i was different, and felt very alone in this respect. i felt odd and felt the need to hide the oddity from everyone. i had major crushes on some of my best friends which is extremely common for us queer folk. i didn't realize the stigma attached to what i feared i was until the passage of DADT in 1994. that is when i learned the word lesbian. lesbian. LESBIAN. then i was afraid and probably overcompensated for this by being absolutely irresponsible with guys and afterwards having a 3 year committed LTR with a boy in HS. Steve, my first real bf. After this came Bill for a year, then Mitch for 6 months. i lost my virginity at 14. it was the most disappointing thing. we walked home from junior high a mile or so away, smoked some cigarettes, got to my parents home, went straight to my room, made out for a bit and i gave him the green light. i was paranoid and made him wear 2 condoms. he put it in with relatively no discomfort on my end and immediately came. he said he loved me and i bought it. we saw one another for 6 months, until he cheated on me with a super slutty mcslutterson with purple hair and told me that i was more of a guy than he was (i swear and spit a lot). long story short, i always resented men for wanting me sexually. i made bfs feel guilty over it. it's terrible and i've broken more than one heart in my day. some of my best friends are men, we just get one another. i also get hit on by men all of the time and am flattered, until they say something like "why?" i like to spell it out for them. i say, "assuming you're an entirely heterosexual male (which i don't believe many men really are). hm? how would you feel sleeping with a man? oh, disgusted. really? well it is the exact same for me." sometimes they get it, sometimes they don't.
3) sex is powerful.
i had a feeling about this one prior to setting out on the poon trail, but it's surprised me. sex = power. sex has been a highly motivating force; i've written 8 page research papers in a few hours because the guarantee of pussy that night. the more i've gotten, the more i wanted more of it...like a drug. i can't say i've ever been hornier in my life. i want to fuck right now in fact. i'm always on. i like it, but it's fairly new to me. one of my partners (39 y/o) said i'm peaking early, but i have since met other equally unabashedly horny sexual women, younger than me even.
4) quantity over quality?
absolutely not! though i am still vary actively seeking partners, quality is key. i love waking up next to a woman. i love intimacy. i love kissing and touching the softness of women, the connections that only we can make to one another. simply put - women loving women. i've had partners who were detached emotionally from the whole situation and it was a huge turn off. bad energy manifesting in lack of interest in me (while boinking), bad kissing, shitty massages, and acting cold the following day. so there's been a handful of partners who i did not really dig, for various reasons. there have been more positive experiences though. beautiful, amazing, funny, sexual, confident, feminine women, young (21) to old (39), lesbian and bi-sexual.
5) fetishes are interesting.
understand that i have yet to meet this girl, in person. we text daily, sometimes for lengths of time. some of the most bizzare shit i've ever heard come from a woman has come from her. she likes panties. and bras. and shoes. skirts. really anything we've labeled as highly feminine. some risky porn (some illegal and repulsive to me). her own cunt. sticking objects onto her cunt. erotic photography of herself (i've received well over 300 pics of her), her cunt's secretions. other people's cunt's secretions and underwear. pee. being fucked like her lover hates her. hmm, i feel like i'm missing some. anyway the thing that is so novel to me is the fact that THINGS turn her on. like tangible objects. so to me, the person and their personality, attractiveness, smarts, and other things are what get me hot. sure clothes can be sexy as fuck, but it's always the person IN those clothes that turns me on...not the articles of clothing themselves. also new to me is the depth of her freely shared thoughts and desires. i don't know if i will ever meet her in person, as she seems to like to tease and i'm quickly getting fed up with it. she is an international business professional and travels all over for work on a weekly basis. she is smart. she is loaded. she is not terribly attractive, but far from a dog. she has the biggest ass i've ever seen on a white girl! all hips and ass, little A/B boobs. petite. uncommon proportions.
one day i was working and i got a text that said, "i was naughty." i asked what about, but had a vague idea. she told me to go outside and look on the side of the building, that there would be a white plastic grocery bag with something in it ("it looks like garbage" were her exact words), and to pick it up. i thought....weird, but ok. i went outside and did as she said and there was bag with her wet pink lace thong underwear in it that she had just taken off outside of my place of employment. crazy? perhaps. i know my limits and am fairly assertive so would be comfortable meeting her still, just not sure if she is serious about it all. my first fetishy girl is one i'll definitely remember. i've told a few friends about her and they all find it fucking hilarious. well, besides the big tease part. let's call her "fetishy sexter" from now on, shall we? because i'm sure she'll be giving me something to talk about in the near future.
i've grown attracted to menstruation, and some might see that as fringe, but i think it's hot. and messy. it's feminine and hormones are raging, idk.
6) monogamy for one and all?
probably not. well, not for a looooong time. i've often wanted more when i exclusively saw one person. especially sexually. the only thing i can do is be entirely upfront and honest about this to new potential long term partners (none as of yet). it takes a lot of trust in committed relationship to have this freedom and i honestly hope i one day find that. of course i understand that my sexuality and desires will change a bit in the future and i may not want this in a few years. we shall see.
7) bisexuals?
i'm still on the fence over this one. it's probably because i used to identify as bisexual when i had bfs, though only a few knew about it. i used this label as a transition for myself and my acceptance of my utter homosexuality. it was easier at the time i guess. this idea places bisexuals at a unique place in the pecking order of queerness. i know of many lesbians who marginalize bisexuals and hold very stereotypical beliefs about them. such as their inability to commit and their ability to not have to come out as queer folk. i still prefer lesbian women as partners, as we typically share more things in common, but am open to dating bisexual women too.
8) i like to party!
this one caught me off guard a little bit too. i'm drinking, smoking, and toking more than i ever have. i feel like i'm in this cyclone of transition in my life and am all about having fun. i was socially retarded for a while, as i was addicted to narcotics (pain meds, prescribed, abused rarely) for a period of time. for the first time in years, i am seeking, and thriving on, interaction with others. i have a few friends who are also somewhat recently single and this theme seems to be present in all over our lives to one degree or another.
though i know there's more, i can't think of anything else right now...it's late. real late. this week is finals week and sleep would probably be helpful.
so, that's the current me. or a big part of the current me at least. how's that for throwing yourself out there? i like to think and question why things are the way they are and why i do things...idk, i'm very introspective about life and the crazies it brings to many of us.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL :)
welcome
where the hell does one even begin this venture? the present makes the most sense i suppose...
i just turned 29 last week and have vowed to begin documenting more of my life. mostly for purposes of reflection and because i think about a lot of shit. a lot. often after this thinking, i forget. i like to write and get stuff out. a few topics i could spend the night writing about are sex and gender, LGBT issues, relationships, love, loss, aging, society, women's issues, current events/news, feminism, crime, porn, masturbation, health, and cats. my interests really stretch far and wide and i love a good debate and/or hearing the ideas of others. i'm going to be relatively uncensored so i hope not to offend. my language is awful as i don't filter out swears. there will most likely be nudity and stories with sexual content.
i plan on this being an enlightening experience, hopefully for more than just me. so, enjoy your window seat and buckle your seat belt...this bitch's life can get crazy.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL :)
i just turned 29 last week and have vowed to begin documenting more of my life. mostly for purposes of reflection and because i think about a lot of shit. a lot. often after this thinking, i forget. i like to write and get stuff out. a few topics i could spend the night writing about are sex and gender, LGBT issues, relationships, love, loss, aging, society, women's issues, current events/news, feminism, crime, porn, masturbation, health, and cats. my interests really stretch far and wide and i love a good debate and/or hearing the ideas of others. i'm going to be relatively uncensored so i hope not to offend. my language is awful as i don't filter out swears. there will most likely be nudity and stories with sexual content.
i plan on this being an enlightening experience, hopefully for more than just me. so, enjoy your window seat and buckle your seat belt...this bitch's life can get crazy.
PEACE and LOVE to ALL :)
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