valid question, i think...

things that make me go hmmmm...

so if jesus sees me, can he also smell, taste, feel, and hear me? and what's to say about THAT?!? creepo jesus.

soooo

yeah...it's been hella heartbreak. for a her, not me. once again i've managed to crush a heart and walk away essentially emotionally intact. it was very easy in the beginning. we hooked up for about a month back in february, before i moved to an entirely different state, 17 hours away. i knew i was moving when i met her, which may have added to my ease at moving on. she visited about 6 weeks after i moved here to NC and she never left. she moved right to the beach, which was a HUGE draw to hangin' out, but i could sense she felt our FWB type thing was more than it was. GIRLS! ...eh. as i felt her growing on me and opening up more and more. i drew away...physically (not immediately) and emotionally. we spoke several times about me not wanting to hurt her feelings, and defining our boundaries, but it was not until i went on a date that things changed. in retrospect, she told me this was a turning point which made her think...why am i not good enough? --to be honest?? you're too quiet, you drink too much, your diet is shit, you are needy, your family is fucked up, you are clingy, you are financially irresponsible, too oft negative, you aren't that attractive to me for many said reasons, you don't take care of yourself and your shit, you mess things up constantly, you are uneducated....too many damn things that i could never tell her openly for fear of [again] hurting her feelings - yet she asked about them. so we still saw one another a few times a week, had great sex, but that's it. i never felt that comfortable with her to entirely open myself up and tear down my walls. she, however, opened up immensely, which made me inwardly uncomfortable at times. i began to see her more as a child or a sister, than anything. i lost interest and stayed away, yet she'd always keep asking me to hangout, come to the beach [dammitttt, why does she have to live at my favorite beach?!]. so i kept distance and encouraged her to get out and meet other gay girls - for her own sake and so she'd quit taking up my time - admittedly horrible. she met a girl online and had a first date. it was in the afternoon. she texted me once about how the girl was a little crazy and a lot loaded lol. meanwhile, i've got my own stuff going on. she texts about 5pm and asks if i'm anywhere near a certain intersection in town. i inform her that i am not. i was at home making dinner with plans to eat, then head to a different beach and trench a hatching sea turtle nest. -digital silence- finally, she texts again and says she's going to play a friend-card...can i pick her up, she is wasted and stranded. to reiterate, it is 5pm, she is wasted, and has nobody to pick her up (though, knowing her, she didn't call half the people she could have). i say no, i need to finish making dinner, eat and get out to other beach at a certain time for instruction on this sea turtle stuff. -digital silence- she got a cab eventually. i felt i was a) already occupied, b) not going to be immensely inconvenienced by her lack of thinking and loads of drinking, and c) not going to rescue her for the um-teenth time. so i go to the beach and do the turtle thingy. it begins to crazy thunderstorm and i hang out in a lifeguard stand, drink a beer, and take a bunch of long-exposures...see? -->

i'm having a great time. with. just. me (happens a lot lol). i text some friends and they're out and about to head to a karaoke bar. i decide i'll stop for one. i get a text then, saying roughly 'you need to stay away for a bit. i'm in love with you, as much as i don't want to be...blah blah blah...' i reply that i knew this and that is the reason i'd been giving her so much space. "it's cool," i say, "holler at me whenever or if you need anything." the reply was "how the fuck is everything so easy for you? sometimes i wish i'd never met you." ouch. well i figured she was drunk at that point and told her to maybe continue the conversation another time...there's a little more, but eh...just done.


so, it's been a couple weeks since then. i've been starting to hang out with a girl i'd met a few months ago, but never really hung out with one-on-one. she's also a hot mess, but she is fun. crazy fun. she's young, bisexual (only sexually speaking, not relationship-ey), incredibly social, cute, funny, smart (though lost her EMT license due to a DWI), dykie as fuck, though doesn't label herself one way or another. the first night i met her there i definitely was drawn to her personally and sexually. she knows everybody (i mean it) downtown and had an amazing loft with a rooftop downtown. we hung out a few times casually since then, until i saw her one night the other week while i was out with another friend. we all kicked it until my friend got way super schwastey and i called her a cab home. by then it was bar close and we went to the owner of some winebars house and partied for a couple more hours. the three of us chatted about everything under the sun - capitalism (wine-bar owner was intimately involved in selling [knowingly] crooked bunk-ass mortgages), socialism, sex, masturbation, sexual assault, significant others, travel...really, just everything. the night was winding down and we figured we'd just crash there. there was only a couch to sleep on. A couch. so i said i'd take the big spoon position and we laid down on our sides next to one another. we were still kinda chatty and she put her right arm behind her, hand on my thigh a few times. i told her, "careful, i get 'busy' hands" haha. and, of course, i did. she kept rubbing my leg and i returned the favor. my hand rested on her side then traveled down her leg and up to her breasts. we kept teasing one another for a few minutes before she rolled over to face me. we kissed. her kisses were unexpectedly passionate, sweet, and soft. just the way i like it. we kissed and made out a little more - our hands getting braver by each passing second. we began to rub over each others' shirts and pants. i could feel her response through her jeans, her gaspy-moany breathing  and became incredibly turned-on. i unzipped her jeans and felt her - so wet and slick! aaaannnd off came the pants and the rest is history. i will say i love her saying my name (never happened before to my recollection) in her lowish smoky voice. and her openly communicating and announcing when she's coming...so fucking incredibly hot!! so we've been seeing each other a few times a week and have amazing sex. amazing. i've never met a girl with such a hair trigger who can come so many times in a row or with such stamina. we don't really have much in common [again] but our sexual drives and the desire for a FWB type thing...but it's working, for now. i saw her tonight and helped her study for her menu test which she is totally going to bomb tomorrow :( she's the procrastination type though...i get it lol.

in the meantime, the night i got the 'i'm in love with you' texts from the aforementioned, i wrote to an old flame of mine...and got this in return [and it made my fucking day]:

"You heart-breaker you! lol I'm just playin..
I do get it and do understand you and your wants as a person. I think because back when we were "making out" lots, I was looking for the same thing you were, sex, sex, and a beer drinking/pool playing buddy. Also, I was in a place where I wasn't about to let my guards down for anybody, let alone somebody who was very very straight forward about not wanting a relationship. We were both just looking for fun so that's what it was kept at. The problem is lesbians. We are bred to uhaul, and unfortunately the stereotype too often holds true. You have nothing to be sorry for if you were honest from the start, yeah it sucks to be the cause of someone else's pain, but you can't get down on yourself for doing what you have to do to be happy. You are NOT a cunt (despite your literary titles) in fact you are probably one of the most real, down to earth, coolest girl I have ever known! In fact as tacky as this is going to sound, in our brief time hanging out together you taught me how to be comfortable with myself again and helped me to become whole once more. You were a great experience for me as well as a great friend."


ok, ok - lots more going on, but a brief synopsis was so desperately needed!! i'm out...

peace and love to all!!