how i often feel...

comme un seul grain de sable je vais passer à travers vos mains et libre ment tomber à la terre en bas, derrière vos pieds.


as a single grain of sand i'll slip through your hands and freely fall to the earth below, behind your feet.


isn't everything more beautiful in french?! well, if you can pronounce it correctly, it surely is :)

valid question, i think...

things that make me go hmmmm...

so if jesus sees me, can he also smell, taste, feel, and hear me? and what's to say about THAT?!? creepo jesus.

soooo

yeah...it's been hella heartbreak. for a her, not me. once again i've managed to crush a heart and walk away essentially emotionally intact. it was very easy in the beginning. we hooked up for about a month back in february, before i moved to an entirely different state, 17 hours away. i knew i was moving when i met her, which may have added to my ease at moving on. she visited about 6 weeks after i moved here to NC and she never left. she moved right to the beach, which was a HUGE draw to hangin' out, but i could sense she felt our FWB type thing was more than it was. GIRLS! ...eh. as i felt her growing on me and opening up more and more. i drew away...physically (not immediately) and emotionally. we spoke several times about me not wanting to hurt her feelings, and defining our boundaries, but it was not until i went on a date that things changed. in retrospect, she told me this was a turning point which made her think...why am i not good enough? --to be honest?? you're too quiet, you drink too much, your diet is shit, you are needy, your family is fucked up, you are clingy, you are financially irresponsible, too oft negative, you aren't that attractive to me for many said reasons, you don't take care of yourself and your shit, you mess things up constantly, you are uneducated....too many damn things that i could never tell her openly for fear of [again] hurting her feelings - yet she asked about them. so we still saw one another a few times a week, had great sex, but that's it. i never felt that comfortable with her to entirely open myself up and tear down my walls. she, however, opened up immensely, which made me inwardly uncomfortable at times. i began to see her more as a child or a sister, than anything. i lost interest and stayed away, yet she'd always keep asking me to hangout, come to the beach [dammitttt, why does she have to live at my favorite beach?!]. so i kept distance and encouraged her to get out and meet other gay girls - for her own sake and so she'd quit taking up my time - admittedly horrible. she met a girl online and had a first date. it was in the afternoon. she texted me once about how the girl was a little crazy and a lot loaded lol. meanwhile, i've got my own stuff going on. she texts about 5pm and asks if i'm anywhere near a certain intersection in town. i inform her that i am not. i was at home making dinner with plans to eat, then head to a different beach and trench a hatching sea turtle nest. -digital silence- finally, she texts again and says she's going to play a friend-card...can i pick her up, she is wasted and stranded. to reiterate, it is 5pm, she is wasted, and has nobody to pick her up (though, knowing her, she didn't call half the people she could have). i say no, i need to finish making dinner, eat and get out to other beach at a certain time for instruction on this sea turtle stuff. -digital silence- she got a cab eventually. i felt i was a) already occupied, b) not going to be immensely inconvenienced by her lack of thinking and loads of drinking, and c) not going to rescue her for the um-teenth time. so i go to the beach and do the turtle thingy. it begins to crazy thunderstorm and i hang out in a lifeguard stand, drink a beer, and take a bunch of long-exposures...see? -->

i'm having a great time. with. just. me (happens a lot lol). i text some friends and they're out and about to head to a karaoke bar. i decide i'll stop for one. i get a text then, saying roughly 'you need to stay away for a bit. i'm in love with you, as much as i don't want to be...blah blah blah...' i reply that i knew this and that is the reason i'd been giving her so much space. "it's cool," i say, "holler at me whenever or if you need anything." the reply was "how the fuck is everything so easy for you? sometimes i wish i'd never met you." ouch. well i figured she was drunk at that point and told her to maybe continue the conversation another time...there's a little more, but eh...just done.


so, it's been a couple weeks since then. i've been starting to hang out with a girl i'd met a few months ago, but never really hung out with one-on-one. she's also a hot mess, but she is fun. crazy fun. she's young, bisexual (only sexually speaking, not relationship-ey), incredibly social, cute, funny, smart (though lost her EMT license due to a DWI), dykie as fuck, though doesn't label herself one way or another. the first night i met her there i definitely was drawn to her personally and sexually. she knows everybody (i mean it) downtown and had an amazing loft with a rooftop downtown. we hung out a few times casually since then, until i saw her one night the other week while i was out with another friend. we all kicked it until my friend got way super schwastey and i called her a cab home. by then it was bar close and we went to the owner of some winebars house and partied for a couple more hours. the three of us chatted about everything under the sun - capitalism (wine-bar owner was intimately involved in selling [knowingly] crooked bunk-ass mortgages), socialism, sex, masturbation, sexual assault, significant others, travel...really, just everything. the night was winding down and we figured we'd just crash there. there was only a couch to sleep on. A couch. so i said i'd take the big spoon position and we laid down on our sides next to one another. we were still kinda chatty and she put her right arm behind her, hand on my thigh a few times. i told her, "careful, i get 'busy' hands" haha. and, of course, i did. she kept rubbing my leg and i returned the favor. my hand rested on her side then traveled down her leg and up to her breasts. we kept teasing one another for a few minutes before she rolled over to face me. we kissed. her kisses were unexpectedly passionate, sweet, and soft. just the way i like it. we kissed and made out a little more - our hands getting braver by each passing second. we began to rub over each others' shirts and pants. i could feel her response through her jeans, her gaspy-moany breathing  and became incredibly turned-on. i unzipped her jeans and felt her - so wet and slick! aaaannnd off came the pants and the rest is history. i will say i love her saying my name (never happened before to my recollection) in her lowish smoky voice. and her openly communicating and announcing when she's coming...so fucking incredibly hot!! so we've been seeing each other a few times a week and have amazing sex. amazing. i've never met a girl with such a hair trigger who can come so many times in a row or with such stamina. we don't really have much in common [again] but our sexual drives and the desire for a FWB type thing...but it's working, for now. i saw her tonight and helped her study for her menu test which she is totally going to bomb tomorrow :( she's the procrastination type though...i get it lol.

in the meantime, the night i got the 'i'm in love with you' texts from the aforementioned, i wrote to an old flame of mine...and got this in return [and it made my fucking day]:

"You heart-breaker you! lol I'm just playin..
I do get it and do understand you and your wants as a person. I think because back when we were "making out" lots, I was looking for the same thing you were, sex, sex, and a beer drinking/pool playing buddy. Also, I was in a place where I wasn't about to let my guards down for anybody, let alone somebody who was very very straight forward about not wanting a relationship. We were both just looking for fun so that's what it was kept at. The problem is lesbians. We are bred to uhaul, and unfortunately the stereotype too often holds true. You have nothing to be sorry for if you were honest from the start, yeah it sucks to be the cause of someone else's pain, but you can't get down on yourself for doing what you have to do to be happy. You are NOT a cunt (despite your literary titles) in fact you are probably one of the most real, down to earth, coolest girl I have ever known! In fact as tacky as this is going to sound, in our brief time hanging out together you taught me how to be comfortable with myself again and helped me to become whole once more. You were a great experience for me as well as a great friend."


ok, ok - lots more going on, but a brief synopsis was so desperately needed!! i'm out...

peace and love to all!!

more upset talk (rapey is the word)

so something happened two weeks ago to a girl i don't even know, but it upset me tremendously. see, i have this buddy, a straight male (most of mine are), who seems to place his self worth and value entirely in sex. he loves his sex. and bragging about it. and pursuing it. i think he just may love sex for all the wrong reasons...but that's me and my perspective. it was bizarre to see it first-hand from start to finish as sort of a semi-aware and passive supporter of his behavior. i am no longer.

it was a saturday on the beach (where most of my friends live). there was LOTS of day drinking. quite a few folks have recently switched it up from beer to vodka, so things have gotten a little hazy and out of control at times. anyways, i came out there in the afternoon and went straight for the drinks and the ocean. i had known he was talking to 3 girls out there that weekend and actually planned (intent) on fucking all of them. 2:3 for the first time. he was kind of freaking out over it because this latina from upstate was coming into town to hang out for the weekend and he had banged a local chick the night before and wanted to see her too. the third gal was a 19 y/o co-worker of a friend who i'm sure just wanted to bang because she is 19. he's 34. ok, so the day is progressing, we're all having a blast on the beach and back at the house BBQing and such. latina and 19 y/o are partying it up along with a group of about 8-10 or so others. well, latina chickie hit the booze a little hard a little early and i put her to bed (3pm?) in a room that wasn't his. we continued to hang out with the addition of others on the block. he is a pill-popper, so got pretty messed up himself on top of the liquor. i don't know what all else anyone else took, but moods seemed pretty peaceful and happy overall. we all eat and continue to hang out on the porches and in the street. when i was inside i'd see him going into the room latina was resting (passed out) in and i had to tell him more than once to just let her be! that she'll get up when she's ready. so again, more drinking and such and i noticed that he was outside mackin on the young girls (all of them). after a while, i noticed that 19 y/o and him had disappeared, but her friends were still outside. i went inside the house to check up on him and his room door was closed. i knocked and was told it was cool to enter. i did and saw them both lying on his bed, smoking pot. she was way wasted at this point, so i hung out for a second. two others shortly joined me to see what was going on and also kinda just talked. this is when 19 y/o got up and stumbled into the kitchen. leaning on the counter, i could tell she was messed up. maybe just booze and pot, but also maybe something else (pills are all over that beach). so we all went outside for a bit, and i even apologized for breaking in on him with other people in tow. so we were all chillin outside and again i noticed the two of them had gone missing. i went upstairs again and his door was open with her in the bed. i stood in the doorway and started a stupid conversation about how delicious the chicken was or something and again she got up and left his room and went into the kitchen. something told me she was uncomfortable, so i stuck around for a minute again and made small talk. next he said, "hey 19 y/o's name, come here, i want to show you something." she followed him into his room again and that's when i left and returned to everyone else downstairs. after about 10 minutes, her 2 friends (also underage and drunk) went upstairs to see what she was up to and came out with her in tow after about 5 minutes. they came back down and i was like an eagle - alert and suddenly entirely sober. they sat on the back of a pick-up and i noticed that 19 y/o was visibly shaken up a little...or a lot. her posture said what she was probably unable to and spoke volumes to me; she was sitting hunched and angled off from her friends with her arms crossed, hands grasping her own shoulders, eyes blankly staring at the ground. i sat there watching covertly while playing the guitar a little. i made eye-contact with her friends and conveyed my non-verbal concern. they looked a little off too. he came downstairs and made some dick-head response to what 19 y/o said like, "that's not what you were saying 5 minutes ago!" and reached to take the guitar from me. she visibly recoiled a little more. a short while after that they made to leave. i sat, semi-paralyzed, with a crazy ass dialogue zooming around in my head. i had to get up and ask her if she was ok. it was the right thing to do. her friends seemed to ignore her behavior and body language. so as they were across the street by their car i approached 19 y/o and asked her if i could talk to her around the corner, alone. not really knowing much about me besides that i'm gay and the superficial drunk bs we talked all day, she said, "what?"kind of snotty. again, not wanting to embarrass her i told her i'd rather talk around the corner. she said right there was fine...so i straight up asked her, "i need to know this. did he force himself onto you or make you do something you didn't want to?" she looked stunned by the question and looked around and down and said, "yeah, sorta." i said, "you know, i'm just lookin out for y'all. i don't want to see any of you girls get hurt." the other girls stepped up and were now also concerned a little bit and we basically just got to having a conversation about how we're all like sisters and i'll always be watching for aholes trying to take advantage of them. they all said they appreciated it, hugged me, and that's when my buddy P came over to the group of us four girls and made a jackass out of himself. the conversation ended there and they left. i returned across the street, but i felt so insanely angry, yet relieved a little bit that my weird vibe was dead on. angry at him, at myself for letting it happen, for everything that i had just witnessed. he had disappeared by then, so i hung out with everyone else and kept to myself. my head was still spinning with rage, disgust, and hurt. my friend got home from work and i immediately EXPLODED in tears and told her everything i had just observed. i don't think anyone has ever seen me that upset before. i don't even know if i've seen myself that upset before... we walked down to the beach to talk and chill out.

so, i didn't know he was around until much later when we returned to the house to find latina gone from her resting spot and his door closed. again. again. we laid down in my friend's room, but i couldn't even close my eyes. my head was still spinning with the reality of it all. i finally got up and drove home around 5 am, but not before he came out for a smoke and asked me, "did that really happen?! holy shit." and some rant about how delicious she tasted because she's 19. and how he made her come 3 times (riiiiight...). i couldn't even look at him or say a word.

the whole way home i cried. for her. for me. for naiveté. for society. for very real pressures. for misunderstanding. for victimization. for honesty. for inequality. for women everywhere.

(my reactions, and interactions with him since, to come later.)

upset vagina

so yet again i have come down with an infection...downtown. this time the culprit is yeast, Candida albicans, to be precise. i had done a lot of research previously on homeopathic treatments of both BV and candidiasis which have been extremely helpful. i'm not at all a fan of going to the doctor, only for them to prescribe medications that have only tipped my vaginal flora to the other extreme before. it's a fool me once kinda thing. so, with an open mind, i attempted to treat this bitch at home using only great internet wisdom and the plethora of experience from others available.

the cause? i'm not exactly sure, but it could definitely have something to do with a sexual partner dumping half a bottle of tap water out of a gatorade bottle onto my poon last thursday night during the dirty (i was drying up and we were both outta spit). or the fact that i'm constantly on a beach in a wet bikini most of the weekend. or hormonal shifts. or diet (don't think so), or, or...eh, so over it; just wanted it gone ASAP!

the primary treatment regimen i started is THIS!!

wait, what the shit is THAT?!? why, it is a single clove of organic garlic. with a string sewn through it (for easy retrieval). easy, simple, mess-free, natural, and used for probably thousands of years (i imagine). it sounded semi-insane at first, but after reading tons of info on it, i thought, "wtf? why not. what harm could possibly happen from putting an uncut clove of garlic into my lady cavern?" haha. actually harm can happen, chemical burns to be exact from the oil...it's the reason why you leave it uncut and barely pierced. some women even chose to wrap it in cheesecloth or gauze. i'm not a fan of fabric in my twat and quite an avid stitcher, so i tried my own method.

day one is extremely promising - symptoms are nearly entirely gone :) . they recommend night-time insertion mainly because of the almost-instant (within 2 minutes) taste and smell of garlic in my face which lingers as long as it's up there! i asked my mom if i reeked and she said not at all. i'm assuming she is correct there since i am in no position to judge it for myself. recommended removal of cloves is every 5-12 hours so overnight is just fine :) and once a day seemed ideal.

the other treatment i considered was yogurt saturated tampons. plain, organic, UNsweetened yogurt was unavailable around here (don't get me started), so i wasn't about to substitute and take that chance. i did however purchase some oral Lactobacillus acidophilus, L. bulgaricus, L. bifidus, and Streptococcus thermophilus tablets from the drug store as well as garlic tabs and started those as soon as my ass hit the car seat haha. oh, and a dilute salt and vinegar bath. a friend was joking about what else i could add to make my cunt a meal and suggested spaghetti sauce haha. i said just get potato chips, i'll bring the dip...always too far lol. 


so, like i said, progress is promising. i (and millions of other women!!) just want this chronic problem to be over...for good. it is honestly the worst thing (admittedly an exaggeration) to have -- itchy, red, inflamed, swollen, painful lady bits (yeast infections do not smell at least! BV is another story...), but vaginas are fickle little creatures, i swear and when they're upset, you're upset...so best respect and look out for her best interest! 


PEACE and LOVE (and happy healthy vaginas!)

apologies...been taking it ALL in!

 cool marshy area with spanish moss AND alligators!

 Pelican on post at the beach where i monitor sea turtle nests!

 BEACH BUBBLERS!!

 My view from the ground!

 Solo walk to the beach for sunrise after a night of no sleep.

 Pier

 Russsshhhhhh in of waves!

 fucking beautiful. that is all.

sorry peeps - been absent with my relocation and everything that comes along with it! haven't really documented much at all outside of my photography. so, here's just a lil taste of where i am loving life right now!!!

gender discussion

sex (biology) and gender (society) are both very interesting topics to me and i could write volumes about my experiences, observations, or just plain curiosities.

the process of gender typing occurs even before we're born as our parents and relatives prepare little rooms for us with gender appropriate color schemes, toys, furniture, clothes, decor. the second we're born, we are wrapped in pink or blue blankets and our heads are covered in a matching lil hat. we pick up on these gendered things at a very early age and experience a range of feelings from being at true harmony with or complete incompatibility with these laid out norms. we're even handled and played with differently as young ones. girls tend to be given less freedom in play (remarkably sedentary!) and are typically directly supervised (and helped/guided) whereas boys are encouraged to go off and play rough and tumble fostering their perceived "needed" independence. compare the good 'ol girl and boy scouts and their activities as an prime example - girls sit and do crafts, play with dolls, have bake sales, sell cookies, sing -- boys go camping, build fires, hike, canoe, and the like. by seeing and doing, all of this enters our psyches in one way or another and we learn to associate...we're all products of this sort of constantly morphing societal machine which takes our action/appearance and spits out a reaction to it, thereby molding our actions and appearances further. the fact is that the majority of people DO fit into these roles and norms we've created or they wouldn't still exist, but enough people do not, and those individuals need to be recognized and given an emotional/societal/political/religious freedom to express that. this scenario also creates a deep rooted value system of beliefs because we begin to build upon our gendered foundations from day 1. it seems the deeper we go or relate to one or the other, the more rigid the expectations we put on ourselves and others to conform.

it's comforting yet saddening to know that individuals' differences were often celebrated in many (eastern, native american, african, etc) cultures prior to colonization by the western *civilized* world. i think the influx of patriarchy, outside power and rule, and religion mostly set the bar for the yet accepted morality and normality we see today - man and woman - woman for man - man with woman - etc. we've rolled with this notion and dealt with the effects of it for far too long. we are definitely continuing to challenge all of this as openly as possible, but as we all know, change takes lots of time and energy!

gender/genital dysphoria

so i posted this very open reflection as both an inquiry and a reply to others in a separate forum, but i feel it's also important to be seen here. i don't go into much detail of gender dysphoria, as i don't really experience it in my life, but could at a later time...because it's just as important.

** i hate categorizing any human attribute because by doing so only divides and conquers us all, but it's the way we process and come to an understanding of things. it feels essential to categorize traits, even though it highlights our differences - whatever they are and however minor they may be. gender norms are a social construction based around beliefs of how to act if you have a certain biological/chromosomal makeup. and our dichotomous gender typing is extremely restrictive since we have a wide range of said biological/chromosomal/hormonal makeups of individuals roaming the planet - not a nice "one or the other" kinda deal - and an even wider range in gender identities thrown in the mix. all said, it gets complicated, and not always easy to understand, but it shouldn't matter at all!!
@@ you are correct about gender and genital dysphoria; they may occur independently or together. i experience a bit of genital dysphoria or unease about appearances only. i do fully identify as female and i love being a woman, though as a young kid-early puberty i did feel like a boy trapped in a girl's body. i think it was my early realizations of same-sex attraction, my rejection of some gendered play, and my elementary comprehension of gender norms...a "girls don't fall in love with and marry other girls...they marry boys" line of thinking. who's to blame though? i surely never encountered even the term lesbian until around my early teens with the passage of DADT and a single brave out butch lesbian in public school who was openly and cruelly harassed because of her sexuality (i grew up going to parochial school just prior to both things). there were no openly queer characters in movies, tv, sports, music, etc. so it took me a while to grapple with my feelings, attractions, the reality of it all, and ultimately, my identity. i also was the only girl in my extended family and around the neighborhood so related early on with masculine traits and became just one of the boys. it's important to point out that a girl being a tomboy is way more accepted, and often encouraged, in our society than a boy investing great interest in things and activities deemed feminine - even though it's the same non-gender-conforming behavior. so me being boyish and hangin around guys was a-ok. sure i'd get called a boy and it pissed me the hell off as a youngin', but i think the boys felt challenged by me being as good or better at "boy" stuff and responded by teasing. ok moving on to the lady bits thang...and i've done a ton of reflection on the source of this and have narrowed it down to twoish main events. SO the first porn i was exposed to was through these male friends as a pre-teen. it was all print stuff showing naked women from the front. i'm pretty sure all of the pussies were pinkish, shaved bald and there were no inner labia/clit/spread lipped images...just an even lil closed-lipped slit, even if their legs were spread a bit. so naturally this being the only other naked vulva i had seen, i compared what i had goin on downtown to these images. what i felt was inconsistency and feelings of abnormality. i was never taught about the changes in shape, size, color, etc of my pussy anywhere and began to just stop looking at and avoiding it in general. i found it a little reassuring being with guys sexually as an older teenager. my cunt was never adored or goo-goo'd over, but at least they seemed to think it was normal (cued in by no complaints?) and i started to pay attention to her again - looking, touching, tasting, and exploring.
the only other things i can think of that brought those feelings of insecurity back were my first and second gfs. both had super tiny labia minora, small clits, and tight n neat lil slits. and both made comments about mine being different, not in an abhorrently negative manner or anything, but it only reaffirmed my feelings of abnormality that i had felt during puberty. i'm sure it could have been different if they had admired my cunt or pointed out our differences and the sheer beauty of the them. now i know it's absurd, but that shit really has affected me in a negative way! i know that i'm entirely anatomically and physiologically "normal" (my bits actually look quite like li's with a haircut) and i have become intimately familiar with (hehe) all shapes, sizes, and colors of labia/clits/etc since, but occasionally encounter these same feelings. exposure to other cunts in female/sex-positive porn has been healing. so has acknowledging and complimenting any lover's cunt on its intricacies and uniqueness, it's look, taste, feel - and it's always positive - not only because i really do love and appreciate it all, but also to maybe protect from or heal any genital dysphoria they may have experienced. i also told one of my exes how her comments had made me feel and she was incredibly sorry, but still thought it was silly. and maybe not so oddly, i've come to quite prefer girls with lady junk! it's not like i have any say in the matter, but it makes me feel more comfortable to be naked/seen/touched. so, yeaaah, that's my story.**

true story.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. "
-Maya Angelou

Sonia Montez - Learning To Sing

this song so perfectly captures this very moment! gah i love music :)

the new ink...

so holy shit!! right?! i got this a week prior to moving out of milwaukee from a girl i had begun to date a month before leaving. it's healing well though it'll definitely need a touch up in may when i'm back as the center and a few outside lines have some scarring. but overall i am extremely pleased!!! fuck it's sexy and i want to EXPAND!

the great wall of vagina...check it!

The Great Wall of Vagina trailer

hot august sexcapades

finally my alley fuck story!! 

one of my most carnal experiences was with my oldest lover, Z (39). Z is an incredibly sweet, smart, witty, professional, sexy, slim-curvy, busty black woman with shorn natural hair. i met her out for a date one hot late-august night and we immediately hit it off. we hung out together and had a couple beers, then walked a few blocks downtown to meet some of my friends who were at some singer/songwriter's show. we met my friends upstairs on the balcony and i made introductions. they all hit it off with her too. we wanted some time alone to keep talking, so we stepped in and started a game of pool. as we played, the show started downstairs. neither of us really had any interest in the band, so we stayed upstairs. soon, we were all alone - lots of flirty glances, smiling, getting closer to one another while handing over the cue. we finished one game and started another. she had to pee and we both walked through the long dark empty upstairs bar to where the stall was. i knew what was on both of our minds at the time - fuck, the sex in the air was palpable!! both of our hormones were fucking raging man! she went in to the single stall room and i waited outside for my turn. she came out and i went in, passing her closely, smiling and looking into those strong and overwhelmingly sexy light hazel eyes the whole time. i came out and we walked a little bit back towards the pool table. she gently grabbed my fingers and pulled me closer to her. we kissed with such intensity right away! my hands found themselves on the sides of her face and neck, hers were traveling all over my body - back to ass to hips to front and back. my hands, as if getting permission from her hands, grabbed her ass. Z pulled me in hard and we stumbled backwards into the entrance of an empty dj booth. her back was now against the wall and i slipped one of my legs high up between hers. "hey guys, are you coming down?!" a friend called, way closer than we thought haha. reluctantly, we separated, kinda laughed, and i took her hand. we went down the steep stairs and outside right away and shared a smoke with some friends of mine. the whole time Z and i were very openly toying with one another. kisses across the table, lip-licking, sexy look-up-and-downs, smiling - just being absurdly flirty! we stayed for a bit and heard the conversation, but neither of us was really listening. there was a narrow cobblestone walkway to an alley behind the bar. Z kept eying it, eventually throwing my attention at it too. i think we somehow non-verbally communicated that we'd both get up on a nod and take a little walk. nod. nod. up we got. we said we'd be right back and walked hand-in-hand down the walkway. there were old red-brick highrise apartments lined with iron fire escapes on the other side and i saw a few lights on and windows open, but most of the apartments were dark. we walked all the way down until space opened up to our left and right. there was only a tour bus and dumpsters in our vicinity - no real light to speak of besides the interrupted dim lights by the back doors of all the other buildings in the alley. i led her to the front of the tour bus, pushed her back up to it, and we came together again and started right where we had left off before. kissing as passionately as ever our hands got a little braver. as if following a script, i began to round the bases and she met me at each step. i kissed and bit her neck as i felt high under her tight black shirt. her tits were amazing! firm yet plush 36Ds. her dark skin felt so hot and soft. she pulled up my shirt and pressed her own belly against mine. her heat was catching. she again pulled me close, straddled my thigh and started grinding up against me, moans escaping her lips like music. i reached around her ass and thigh and began to rub her from behind. she almost collapsed in my arms at my first hard rub. she began to kiss and bite my neck roughly as she groped for one of my tits. i rubbed her hard over her pants  from front to back, occasionally rubbing a broad circle over her entire pussy. i could totally feel her dampness through her jeans! we were leaning against the front of the tour bus, me crouched a little bit to reach all of her from behind. i stood up, and kissing her hard, spun her around so she was now pinning me against the tour bus. she said, "oh fuuuuck." i reached down between her legs from the front and had but a second there before she quickly unzipped her jeans and shoved my hand down them. she was commando and a hot, silky, extremely wet, shaved pussy greeted me. i could practically feel her clit throbbing with each gentle teasing touch - she was so swollen and ready. i reached deeper into her pants trying to reach her wanting cunt. we had wiggle her pants and underwear down a bit. kissing the whole time, my hand never came off of her hot pussy as i helped her pull them down with my free hand. once access was granted, i rubbed her from back to front, cupping my hand, putting pressure on all of her. her wetness, swollenness, and moans were making me moan like crazy! to this day i wonder what we sounded like! i went to kiss her neck again and saw someone over Z's shoulder. just. walking. i paused and Z did too. her pants still down a bit, one of my hands on her ass, the other all over her pussy. neither party said anything and he continued to walk out of sight (presumably out of the alley). we were both like, "shiiiit." but it didn't stop us. we laughed it off and began kissing again. my hand still firmly on her pussy, i found her hungry hole and one finger rode the water-slide in. i felt her muscles immediately contract as her pussy gripped my finger. not going too deep, i pulled back out and rubbed her wetness back up to her clit. again, the moaning - deep and guttural, yet so soft and sweet. i slid down the front of the bus and pulled her pants down a little farther; her whole ass now exposed, she took her arms and spread them out in 45 degree angles up, hands flat against the bus. i fucked her a few times using two fingers now, her whole body began quaking. i could feel her wetness getting all over my palm. a barrage of breathy "fuck yeah. right there. oh yeah."s i pulled out and furiously rubbed her clit around in tight circles - she was so slippery! i slipped my index and middle finger back in her tight swollen cunt, my thumb throttling her clit back and forth matching the in and out. i could feel strong little contractions at the opening of her pussy as i fucked her. both of our breathing became more rapid. she bent forward, her forehead landed on my shoulder and let out a loud, "aaahh shit!" she grabbed my hand by the wrist and pushed me in deeper, faster, and harder. i had zero control over my hand as she thrust it into herself and came. her pussy now spasming rapidly in climax, she held me firmly and deeply inside of her, riding it til the end. somehow, being all consumed in the fucking coming fury, i failed to notice she bit down hard on my neck as she climaxed. i only noticed her letting up (and the highly commented-on mid-lateral neck bruise that lasted well into week 2!). she caught her breath between kisses and we fastened her pants back up. i was so enormously turned on and drenched at that moment, but her coming was somewhat of a release for me too. once all buttoned-up, we held each other tightly and kissed some more - sweeter, lighter, less-urgent kisses. after a minute we came apart and hand-in-hand, emerged from the alley and returned to the street front. everyone who was there when we left was there again and was smirking at us, giving us that "omniscient look." we just returned the silly smiles all around and actually engaged in the conversation this time. 

...a week later, i found myself in awe of her big black cock and the incredibly sexy shadows we cast on the walls together!

my cell smells like pusdy.

i'd love to know the proportion of people who touch themselves while driving. to climax or otherwise. i've known many girls who have done both. me? never to climax as i need a partner or a strong vibrator. i wonder if it's more common in women too, as nothing needs to be out of our pants.
just a totally random thought...hmm.

commitment...

so i have been seeing a new girl quite a bit since being back in town. i think we've hung out 6 times now and she digs me - aka wants to be in a (purely monogamous) relationship with me. i've been open with her from the beginning about my intentions to stay single as i have had very little opportunity to get to know the single-me (only 6 months in many many years). presently i find the prospect of commitment to be an enormous turn off! i am not entirely sure why. perhaps my experience in them. even when i was in an exclusively monogamous relationship, i found it exceedingly difficult to not think about being with other people. i wanted to still fuck and date and fuck lots of people. now that i'm single, i am finding it hard to meet girls who accept this different notion of commitment. i'm sure it's largely a product of conservative midwest values, but it bugs me to the core! there IS a significant difference between cheating and non-monogamy and i wish more people could grasp this simple notion.

it may be better expressed by mr. dan savage...

Monogamy Vs. Commitment

AC: When I told people I was interviewing you, they all said ask, “Him his thoughts on monogamy,” because that is something that comes up every now and again in your podcast. It makes visits fairly often.

DS: Well, it’s usually the problem. I don’t think everyone should be in a non-monogamous relationship. I’m not prescriptive about it. I’m in a non-monogamous relationship and that’s dangerous for a gay male couple with kids to say out loud, right? Because people assume a level of promiscuity that appalls even me. I’ve been here in Bloomington for eight weeks and I haven’t touched anybody. Not that I didn’t want to! A lot of really cute guys here in Bloomington, but that’s not the way I roll.

The problem with monogamy is we’re not any good at it. How many Elliot Spitzers, David Bitters, Bill Clintons, John Edwards… How many times do we have to watch the same story, watch the same play before we realize that it’s in the script?

Everyone, even if you’re going to be monogamous, needs to acknowledge that monogamy is not natural and it’s not easy. Love doesn’t mean that you don’t want to sleep with other people. Love means, if you make a monogamous commitment, means you will refrain from sleeping with other people. You will still wannna – and you will wanna bad – and you will both wanna. Women get away with pretending they never wanna.

We have put a lie at the heart of all of our long-term romantic relationships and then we wonder why they fall apart. Two people are looking at each other and lying to each other every day about something very important, and they both know that the other is lying every day. Then they don’t trust each other, oddly enough, after all that lying back and forth. It’s so much healthier just to acknowledge, even if you are going to make a monogamous commitment, that that is going to be an effort and there will be consequences to that. There are consequences to non-monogamy.

When the non-monogamous relationship falls apart, everyone blames non-monogamy. When a monogamous relationship falls apart, nobody blames monogamy. I have observed so many relationships that were otherwise decent that could have survived for the long haul if people had just been allowed to be off leash every once in a while – which does not mean anything goes. “You say you’re not monogamous. Oh, so that means you can sleep with anybody, anytime, anywhere?” No. No. “You’re monogamous. Do you sleep with each other anytime, anywhere that you want?” No.

Monogamy is stupid and people are bad at it. That’s what I think. It doesn’t work. We have the divorce rate to prove it. We have David Arquette and Courtney Cox now. You can’t open a magazine, you can’t leave the house without hearing about people cheating on each other. If we continue to define cheating on each other as a divorce-level, breakup-level offense, we are packing our relationships with dynamite and blowing them up over and over and over again. I think a relationship should be able to survive a routine infidelity, because infidelity is routine. We need to reconceive how we regard it. The problem is – now I’m going to rant.

AC: Go for it!

DS: For most of recorded human history, men weren’t supposed to be monogamous. It was required. They had concubines. They had whores. They had mistresses. They had more than one wife. Monogamy was really for women and all about paternal anxiety and assuaging that – enslaving women, really. It was about control. To the credit of our species, it took us however many tens of thousands of years before we realized that wasn’t egalitarian, and about 60 years ago we decided to make it fairzies.

But we made a big mistake. Rather than giving women the same latitude and freedom that men had enjoyed, we said men had to now hew to the monogamous ideal that had been imposed on women. It has been a disaster for straight people and straight relationships, and the children of straight people. Disaster.

Confrontation From Serial Monogamists

AC: What sort of backlash have you had to deal with, with those views? I’m sure stuff came your way.

DS: Oh yeah. People freak out. You know, my favorite kind of letter is… I say I’m in a relationship that’s not monogamous. I still love my husband, boyfriend – husband in Canada, boyfriend in America – I love him passionately. We have a great, amazing sex life that is 98% just the two of us. And I get these letters, monogamists, insisting that we don’t love each other, that we’re not committed to each other, that we couldn’t possibly love each other if we are having sex with other people.

So many of these letters end with, “And I know what I’m talking about because every one of my relationships has been monogamous.” What they’re saying then is they have started and ended and started and ended. They are serial monogamists, that when they get bored and need a little variety, they end a relationship and then move on.

I found a way to stay in my relationship and keep it happy and healthy and long haul, and I’m doing something wrong. And you, every one of your relationships has been monogamous, you’re doing it right? Because we value monogamy over commitment.

upcoming ink!

i've been wanting this tattoo for about a year now, but either i felt that the time was not appropriate or i lacked the expendable funds. i stumbled upon the design quite randomly in a historical text on paganism in bronze-age western europe which depicted stone carvings of all types of labyrinths. i was instantly captivated by one picture in particular and have meditated on the symbolism held within it. it's a sacred ancient symbol that represents so so much in a simple design. for starters, there is only one path which travels from outside within and back out again, though always going forward. although at first it appears similar, the labyrinth is not a maze as it lacks dead-ends and options in direction. to me, this pattern is so rich in meaning. i also thought about how it represented our journey as individuals, the learning of self-awareness, and projection of that knowledge back outward. this process occurs throughout all of our lives and in some more than others. the fact that there is only one path which takes drastic 180 degree turns is also very dear to me, as i seem to follow this one path which seems right at all times, regardless of major changes in direction and/or location. my belief in the interconnectedness of every living thing in this universe is also represented, as is birth (life) and death. i see this most closely in the center, where lines cross. i'm not big on numerology, but the number 7 is represented in this labyrinth and supposedly represents the 7 chakras (life energies). the way taken by tracing the path also leads to the 5th - pure mind - at the center. i've definitely found a certain internal centering which has come from meditating on this ancient symbol and can't wait to have it on me at all times!!

purpose, direction, energy, life, death, concentration, breath, form, self-identity, consciousness, projection

interestingly, since seeing it about a year ago for the first time, i've encountered it randomly several times without seeking it out in the slightest way. all the more reason i feel compelled to get it! now all i have to think about is how big do i want it and where to place it - upper back, shoulder, or on my deltoid?

my new body modification

i seriously have tons on my mind, but will exclude most of it for now and talk about my new piercings because i'm in love with them!

i finally got my nips pierced! i've been with 4 girls in the past 6 months who had them and was a little apprehensive personally about getting it done for months. i didn't have sensitive nipples to begin with and heard all positive feedback in that department from my lady friends. so i began seriously considering it and went back and forth - often even in the same day. well, impulse got the best of me last thursday! i was going to meet a buddy of mine for a few drinks that night but picked him up instead and made him come with me to the tatoo/piercing place a friend recommended. i signed all the paperwork and went into the piercing room - alone. i was sweating my ass off, but otherwise calm. i knew it might pinch, but really didn't worry about it as it'd be over in a second. the piercer made me undress and stand facing her while she marked both sides of my nipples. when she was doing this, she mentioned how incredibly calm i was. i took a seat in the chair and she asked if i was ready. "let's do this!" i said. she put the clamp on my left nipple and took the needle and barbell and stick it up to my skin. on cue i took a deep breath and she proceeded to insert the needle. i was immediately taken over by this intense indescribable heat throughout my torso/abdomen and pain in my left nipple. one down! she attached the ball to the end of the barbell. the intense heat had passed shortly afterward, but i could feel my heart racing and sweat rolled down my side from under my tits. she asked if i was ready for number two. i told her to give me a second. she then asked if i was feeling dizzy. i wasn't, but i needed to just breathe for a second, as i had the feeling this second one would be worse now that i knew what to expect. i took about 20-30 seconds to recuperate, then said i was ready. the clamp was placed on rightie and again i was directed to take a deep breath. i inhaled real deeply this time, ready for the pain. again the heat came immediately as she pierced my skin and pushed the needle through. it seemed less painful than the first but just as crazy intense! i was glad it was over and could finally look down once she attached the ball. i was shocked that there was no blood at all! i got dressed and came out of the bright little room. my buddy was amazed that it was already done. we then went out as planned - starting with 3 improv shots of whiskey for my nipples! all night i could feel a tight, stingy sensation, occasionally i felt a pinchy pain. we had only intended on going out for a few beers and chatting, but ended up going to a newly opened gay bar when the first place got douchey around 11pm, meeting two super cool gay boys (and of course me showing off my tits to them), the bar closing, and us taking our two new friends back to my buddy's place! wasn't exactly the best idea to party or pierce the night before a super crowded new year's eve funk/soul dance party, but c'est la vie...
so without further ado...here's mah new and improved titties!!

still a nice fucking RACK!

*right after piercing*

i can't wait for them to heal entirely so i (and others) can play with em! i'm extremely pleased with my decision to get them done. another piercing i've been considering for a while is a vertical hood OR the triangle. the latter is the most invasive female genital piercing involving the clit - it essentially goes behind clitty and through your hood. i'd really need to do some research on my potential piercer, since many do not perform it due to inexperience and/or the higher amount of risk involved. it's all for pleasure though and in my opinion so worth the risk if i find the right person!