comme un seul grain de sable je vais passer à travers vos mains et libre ment tomber à la terre en bas, derrière vos pieds.
as a single grain of sand i'll slip through your hands and freely fall to the earth below, behind your feet.
isn't everything more beautiful in french?! well, if you can pronounce it correctly, it surely is :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
valid question, i think...
things that make me go hmmmm...
so if jesus sees me, can he also smell, taste, feel, and hear me? and what's to say about THAT?!? creepo jesus.
soooo
yeah...it's been hella heartbreak. for a her, not me. once again i've managed to crush a heart and walk away essentially emotionally intact. it was very easy in the beginning. we hooked up for about a month back in february, before i moved to an entirely different state, 17 hours away. i knew i was moving when i met her, which may have added to my ease at moving on. she visited about 6 weeks after i moved here to NC and she never left. she moved right to the beach, which was a HUGE draw to hangin' out, but i could sense she felt our FWB type thing was more than it was. GIRLS! ...eh. as i felt her growing on me and opening up more and more. i drew away...physically (not immediately) and emotionally. we spoke several times about me not wanting to hurt her feelings, and defining our boundaries, but it was not until i went on a date that things changed. in retrospect, she told me this was a turning point which made her think...why am i not good enough? --to be honest?? you're too quiet, you drink too much, your diet is shit, you are needy, your family is fucked up, you are clingy, you are financially irresponsible, too oft negative, you aren't that attractive to me for many said reasons, you don't take care of yourself and your shit, you mess things up constantly, you are uneducated....too many damn things that i could never tell her openly for fear of [again] hurting her feelings - yet she asked about them. so we still saw one another a few times a week, had great sex, but that's it. i never felt that comfortable with her to entirely open myself up and tear down my walls. she, however, opened up immensely, which made me inwardly uncomfortable at times. i began to see her more as a child or a sister, than anything. i lost interest and stayed away, yet she'd always keep asking me to hangout, come to the beach [dammitttt, why does she have to live at my favorite beach?!]. so i kept distance and encouraged her to get out and meet other gay girls - for her own sake and so she'd quit taking up my time - admittedly horrible. she met a girl online and had a first date. it was in the afternoon. she texted me once about how the girl was a little crazy and a lot loaded lol. meanwhile, i've got my own stuff going on. she texts about 5pm and asks if i'm anywhere near a certain intersection in town. i inform her that i am not. i was at home making dinner with plans to eat, then head to a different beach and trench a hatching sea turtle nest. -digital silence- finally, she texts again and says she's going to play a friend-card...can i pick her up, she is wasted and stranded. to reiterate, it is 5pm, she is wasted, and has nobody to pick her up (though, knowing her, she didn't call half the people she could have). i say no, i need to finish making dinner, eat and get out to other beach at a certain time for instruction on this sea turtle stuff. -digital silence- she got a cab eventually. i felt i was a) already occupied, b) not going to be immensely inconvenienced by her lack of thinking and loads of drinking, and c) not going to rescue her for the um-teenth time. so i go to the beach and do the turtle thingy. it begins to crazy thunderstorm and i hang out in a lifeguard stand, drink a beer, and take a bunch of long-exposures...see? -->
i'm having a great time. with. just. me (happens a lot lol). i text some friends and they're out and about to head to a karaoke bar. i decide i'll stop for one. i get a text then, saying roughly 'you need to stay away for a bit. i'm in love with you, as much as i don't want to be...blah blah blah...' i reply that i knew this and that is the reason i'd been giving her so much space. "it's cool," i say, "holler at me whenever or if you need anything." the reply was "how the fuck is everything so easy for you? sometimes i wish i'd never met you." ouch. well i figured she was drunk at that point and told her to maybe continue the conversation another time...there's a little more, but eh...just done.
so, it's been a couple weeks since then. i've been starting to hang out with a girl i'd met a few months ago, but never really hung out with one-on-one. she's also a hot mess, but she is fun. crazy fun. she's young, bisexual (only sexually speaking, not relationship-ey), incredibly social, cute, funny, smart (though lost her EMT license due to a DWI), dykie as fuck, though doesn't label herself one way or another. the first night i met her there i definitely was drawn to her personally and sexually. she knows everybody (i mean it) downtown and had an amazing loft with a rooftop downtown. we hung out a few times casually since then, until i saw her one night the other week while i was out with another friend. we all kicked it until my friend got way super schwastey and i called her a cab home. by then it was bar close and we went to the owner of some winebars house and partied for a couple more hours. the three of us chatted about everything under the sun - capitalism (wine-bar owner was intimately involved in selling [knowingly] crooked bunk-ass mortgages), socialism, sex, masturbation, sexual assault, significant others, travel...really, just everything. the night was winding down and we figured we'd just crash there. there was only a couch to sleep on. A couch. so i said i'd take the big spoon position and we laid down on our sides next to one another. we were still kinda chatty and she put her right arm behind her, hand on my thigh a few times. i told her, "careful, i get 'busy' hands" haha. and, of course, i did. she kept rubbing my leg and i returned the favor. my hand rested on her side then traveled down her leg and up to her breasts. we kept teasing one another for a few minutes before she rolled over to face me. we kissed. her kisses were unexpectedly passionate, sweet, and soft. just the way i like it. we kissed and made out a little more - our hands getting braver by each passing second. we began to rub over each others' shirts and pants. i could feel her response through her jeans, her gaspy-moany breathing and became incredibly turned-on. i unzipped her jeans and felt her - so wet and slick! aaaannnd off came the pants and the rest is history. i will say i love her saying my name (never happened before to my recollection) in her lowish smoky voice. and her openly communicating and announcing when she's coming...so fucking incredibly hot!! so we've been seeing each other a few times a week and have amazing sex. amazing. i've never met a girl with such a hair trigger who can come so many times in a row or with such stamina. we don't really have much in common [again] but our sexual drives and the desire for a FWB type thing...but it's working, for now. i saw her tonight and helped her study for her menu test which she is totally going to bomb tomorrow :( she's the procrastination type though...i get it lol.
in the meantime, the night i got the 'i'm in love with you' texts from the aforementioned, i wrote to an old flame of mine...and got this in return [and it made my fucking day]:
"You heart-breaker you! lol I'm just playin..
I do get it and do understand you and your wants as a person. I think because back when we were "making out" lots, I was looking for the same thing you were, sex, sex, and a beer drinking/pool playing buddy. Also, I was in a place where I wasn't about to let my guards down for anybody, let alone somebody who was very very straight forward about not wanting a relationship. We were both just looking for fun so that's what it was kept at. The problem is lesbians. We are bred to uhaul, and unfortunately the stereotype too often holds true. You have nothing to be sorry for if you were honest from the start, yeah it sucks to be the cause of someone else's pain, but you can't get down on yourself for doing what you have to do to be happy. You are NOT a cunt (despite your literary titles) in fact you are probably one of the most real, down to earth, coolest girl I have ever known! In fact as tacky as this is going to sound, in our brief time hanging out together you taught me how to be comfortable with myself again and helped me to become whole once more. You were a great experience for me as well as a great friend."
ok, ok - lots more going on, but a brief synopsis was so desperately needed!! i'm out...
peace and love to all!!
i'm having a great time. with. just. me (happens a lot lol). i text some friends and they're out and about to head to a karaoke bar. i decide i'll stop for one. i get a text then, saying roughly 'you need to stay away for a bit. i'm in love with you, as much as i don't want to be...blah blah blah...' i reply that i knew this and that is the reason i'd been giving her so much space. "it's cool," i say, "holler at me whenever or if you need anything." the reply was "how the fuck is everything so easy for you? sometimes i wish i'd never met you." ouch. well i figured she was drunk at that point and told her to maybe continue the conversation another time...there's a little more, but eh...just done.
so, it's been a couple weeks since then. i've been starting to hang out with a girl i'd met a few months ago, but never really hung out with one-on-one. she's also a hot mess, but she is fun. crazy fun. she's young, bisexual (only sexually speaking, not relationship-ey), incredibly social, cute, funny, smart (though lost her EMT license due to a DWI), dykie as fuck, though doesn't label herself one way or another. the first night i met her there i definitely was drawn to her personally and sexually. she knows everybody (i mean it) downtown and had an amazing loft with a rooftop downtown. we hung out a few times casually since then, until i saw her one night the other week while i was out with another friend. we all kicked it until my friend got way super schwastey and i called her a cab home. by then it was bar close and we went to the owner of some winebars house and partied for a couple more hours. the three of us chatted about everything under the sun - capitalism (wine-bar owner was intimately involved in selling [knowingly] crooked bunk-ass mortgages), socialism, sex, masturbation, sexual assault, significant others, travel...really, just everything. the night was winding down and we figured we'd just crash there. there was only a couch to sleep on. A couch. so i said i'd take the big spoon position and we laid down on our sides next to one another. we were still kinda chatty and she put her right arm behind her, hand on my thigh a few times. i told her, "careful, i get 'busy' hands" haha. and, of course, i did. she kept rubbing my leg and i returned the favor. my hand rested on her side then traveled down her leg and up to her breasts. we kept teasing one another for a few minutes before she rolled over to face me. we kissed. her kisses were unexpectedly passionate, sweet, and soft. just the way i like it. we kissed and made out a little more - our hands getting braver by each passing second. we began to rub over each others' shirts and pants. i could feel her response through her jeans, her gaspy-moany breathing and became incredibly turned-on. i unzipped her jeans and felt her - so wet and slick! aaaannnd off came the pants and the rest is history. i will say i love her saying my name (never happened before to my recollection) in her lowish smoky voice. and her openly communicating and announcing when she's coming...so fucking incredibly hot!! so we've been seeing each other a few times a week and have amazing sex. amazing. i've never met a girl with such a hair trigger who can come so many times in a row or with such stamina. we don't really have much in common [again] but our sexual drives and the desire for a FWB type thing...but it's working, for now. i saw her tonight and helped her study for her menu test which she is totally going to bomb tomorrow :( she's the procrastination type though...i get it lol.
in the meantime, the night i got the 'i'm in love with you' texts from the aforementioned, i wrote to an old flame of mine...and got this in return [and it made my fucking day]:
"You heart-breaker you! lol I'm just playin..
I do get it and do understand you and your wants as a person. I think because back when we were "making out" lots, I was looking for the same thing you were, sex, sex, and a beer drinking/pool playing buddy. Also, I was in a place where I wasn't about to let my guards down for anybody, let alone somebody who was very very straight forward about not wanting a relationship. We were both just looking for fun so that's what it was kept at. The problem is lesbians. We are bred to uhaul, and unfortunately the stereotype too often holds true. You have nothing to be sorry for if you were honest from the start, yeah it sucks to be the cause of someone else's pain, but you can't get down on yourself for doing what you have to do to be happy. You are NOT a cunt (despite your literary titles) in fact you are probably one of the most real, down to earth, coolest girl I have ever known! In fact as tacky as this is going to sound, in our brief time hanging out together you taught me how to be comfortable with myself again and helped me to become whole once more. You were a great experience for me as well as a great friend."
ok, ok - lots more going on, but a brief synopsis was so desperately needed!! i'm out...
peace and love to all!!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
more upset talk (rapey is the word)
so something happened two weeks ago to a girl i don't even know, but it upset me tremendously. see, i have this buddy, a straight male (most of mine are), who seems to place his self worth and value entirely in sex. he loves his sex. and bragging about it. and pursuing it. i think he just may love sex for all the wrong reasons...but that's me and my perspective. it was bizarre to see it first-hand from start to finish as sort of a semi-aware and passive supporter of his behavior. i am no longer.
it was a saturday on the beach (where most of my friends live). there was LOTS of day drinking. quite a few folks have recently switched it up from beer to vodka, so things have gotten a little hazy and out of control at times. anyways, i came out there in the afternoon and went straight for the drinks and the ocean. i had known he was talking to 3 girls out there that weekend and actually planned (intent) on fucking all of them. 2:3 for the first time. he was kind of freaking out over it because this latina from upstate was coming into town to hang out for the weekend and he had banged a local chick the night before and wanted to see her too. the third gal was a 19 y/o co-worker of a friend who i'm sure just wanted to bang because she is 19. he's 34. ok, so the day is progressing, we're all having a blast on the beach and back at the house BBQing and such. latina and 19 y/o are partying it up along with a group of about 8-10 or so others. well, latina chickie hit the booze a little hard a little early and i put her to bed (3pm?) in a room that wasn't his. we continued to hang out with the addition of others on the block. he is a pill-popper, so got pretty messed up himself on top of the liquor. i don't know what all else anyone else took, but moods seemed pretty peaceful and happy overall. we all eat and continue to hang out on the porches and in the street. when i was inside i'd see him going into the room latina was resting (passed out) in and i had to tell him more than once to just let her be! that she'll get up when she's ready. so again, more drinking and such and i noticed that he was outside mackin on the young girls (all of them). after a while, i noticed that 19 y/o and him had disappeared, but her friends were still outside. i went inside the house to check up on him and his room door was closed. i knocked and was told it was cool to enter. i did and saw them both lying on his bed, smoking pot. she was way wasted at this point, so i hung out for a second. two others shortly joined me to see what was going on and also kinda just talked. this is when 19 y/o got up and stumbled into the kitchen. leaning on the counter, i could tell she was messed up. maybe just booze and pot, but also maybe something else (pills are all over that beach). so we all went outside for a bit, and i even apologized for breaking in on him with other people in tow. so we were all chillin outside and again i noticed the two of them had gone missing. i went upstairs again and his door was open with her in the bed. i stood in the doorway and started a stupid conversation about how delicious the chicken was or something and again she got up and left his room and went into the kitchen. something told me she was uncomfortable, so i stuck around for a minute again and made small talk. next he said, "hey 19 y/o's name, come here, i want to show you something." she followed him into his room again and that's when i left and returned to everyone else downstairs. after about 10 minutes, her 2 friends (also underage and drunk) went upstairs to see what she was up to and came out with her in tow after about 5 minutes. they came back down and i was like an eagle - alert and suddenly entirely sober. they sat on the back of a pick-up and i noticed that 19 y/o was visibly shaken up a little...or a lot. her posture said what she was probably unable to and spoke volumes to me; she was sitting hunched and angled off from her friends with her arms crossed, hands grasping her own shoulders, eyes blankly staring at the ground. i sat there watching covertly while playing the guitar a little. i made eye-contact with her friends and conveyed my non-verbal concern. they looked a little off too. he came downstairs and made some dick-head response to what 19 y/o said like, "that's not what you were saying 5 minutes ago!" and reached to take the guitar from me. she visibly recoiled a little more. a short while after that they made to leave. i sat, semi-paralyzed, with a crazy ass dialogue zooming around in my head. i had to get up and ask her if she was ok. it was the right thing to do. her friends seemed to ignore her behavior and body language. so as they were across the street by their car i approached 19 y/o and asked her if i could talk to her around the corner, alone. not really knowing much about me besides that i'm gay and the superficial drunk bs we talked all day, she said, "what?"kind of snotty. again, not wanting to embarrass her i told her i'd rather talk around the corner. she said right there was fine...so i straight up asked her, "i need to know this. did he force himself onto you or make you do something you didn't want to?" she looked stunned by the question and looked around and down and said, "yeah, sorta." i said, "you know, i'm just lookin out for y'all. i don't want to see any of you girls get hurt." the other girls stepped up and were now also concerned a little bit and we basically just got to having a conversation about how we're all like sisters and i'll always be watching for aholes trying to take advantage of them. they all said they appreciated it, hugged me, and that's when my buddy P came over to the group of us four girls and made a jackass out of himself. the conversation ended there and they left. i returned across the street, but i felt so insanely angry, yet relieved a little bit that my weird vibe was dead on. angry at him, at myself for letting it happen, for everything that i had just witnessed. he had disappeared by then, so i hung out with everyone else and kept to myself. my head was still spinning with rage, disgust, and hurt. my friend got home from work and i immediately EXPLODED in tears and told her everything i had just observed. i don't think anyone has ever seen me that upset before. i don't even know if i've seen myself that upset before... we walked down to the beach to talk and chill out.
so, i didn't know he was around until much later when we returned to the house to find latina gone from her resting spot and his door closed. again. again. we laid down in my friend's room, but i couldn't even close my eyes. my head was still spinning with the reality of it all. i finally got up and drove home around 5 am, but not before he came out for a smoke and asked me, "did that really happen?! holy shit." and some rant about how delicious she tasted because she's 19. and how he made her come 3 times (riiiiight...). i couldn't even look at him or say a word.
the whole way home i cried. for her. for me. for naiveté. for society. for very real pressures. for misunderstanding. for victimization. for honesty. for inequality. for women everywhere.
(my reactions, and interactions with him since, to come later.)
it was a saturday on the beach (where most of my friends live). there was LOTS of day drinking. quite a few folks have recently switched it up from beer to vodka, so things have gotten a little hazy and out of control at times. anyways, i came out there in the afternoon and went straight for the drinks and the ocean. i had known he was talking to 3 girls out there that weekend and actually planned (intent) on fucking all of them. 2:3 for the first time. he was kind of freaking out over it because this latina from upstate was coming into town to hang out for the weekend and he had banged a local chick the night before and wanted to see her too. the third gal was a 19 y/o co-worker of a friend who i'm sure just wanted to bang because she is 19. he's 34. ok, so the day is progressing, we're all having a blast on the beach and back at the house BBQing and such. latina and 19 y/o are partying it up along with a group of about 8-10 or so others. well, latina chickie hit the booze a little hard a little early and i put her to bed (3pm?) in a room that wasn't his. we continued to hang out with the addition of others on the block. he is a pill-popper, so got pretty messed up himself on top of the liquor. i don't know what all else anyone else took, but moods seemed pretty peaceful and happy overall. we all eat and continue to hang out on the porches and in the street. when i was inside i'd see him going into the room latina was resting (passed out) in and i had to tell him more than once to just let her be! that she'll get up when she's ready. so again, more drinking and such and i noticed that he was outside mackin on the young girls (all of them). after a while, i noticed that 19 y/o and him had disappeared, but her friends were still outside. i went inside the house to check up on him and his room door was closed. i knocked and was told it was cool to enter. i did and saw them both lying on his bed, smoking pot. she was way wasted at this point, so i hung out for a second. two others shortly joined me to see what was going on and also kinda just talked. this is when 19 y/o got up and stumbled into the kitchen. leaning on the counter, i could tell she was messed up. maybe just booze and pot, but also maybe something else (pills are all over that beach). so we all went outside for a bit, and i even apologized for breaking in on him with other people in tow. so we were all chillin outside and again i noticed the two of them had gone missing. i went upstairs again and his door was open with her in the bed. i stood in the doorway and started a stupid conversation about how delicious the chicken was or something and again she got up and left his room and went into the kitchen. something told me she was uncomfortable, so i stuck around for a minute again and made small talk. next he said, "hey 19 y/o's name, come here, i want to show you something." she followed him into his room again and that's when i left and returned to everyone else downstairs. after about 10 minutes, her 2 friends (also underage and drunk) went upstairs to see what she was up to and came out with her in tow after about 5 minutes. they came back down and i was like an eagle - alert and suddenly entirely sober. they sat on the back of a pick-up and i noticed that 19 y/o was visibly shaken up a little...or a lot. her posture said what she was probably unable to and spoke volumes to me; she was sitting hunched and angled off from her friends with her arms crossed, hands grasping her own shoulders, eyes blankly staring at the ground. i sat there watching covertly while playing the guitar a little. i made eye-contact with her friends and conveyed my non-verbal concern. they looked a little off too. he came downstairs and made some dick-head response to what 19 y/o said like, "that's not what you were saying 5 minutes ago!" and reached to take the guitar from me. she visibly recoiled a little more. a short while after that they made to leave. i sat, semi-paralyzed, with a crazy ass dialogue zooming around in my head. i had to get up and ask her if she was ok. it was the right thing to do. her friends seemed to ignore her behavior and body language. so as they were across the street by their car i approached 19 y/o and asked her if i could talk to her around the corner, alone. not really knowing much about me besides that i'm gay and the superficial drunk bs we talked all day, she said, "what?"kind of snotty. again, not wanting to embarrass her i told her i'd rather talk around the corner. she said right there was fine...so i straight up asked her, "i need to know this. did he force himself onto you or make you do something you didn't want to?" she looked stunned by the question and looked around and down and said, "yeah, sorta." i said, "you know, i'm just lookin out for y'all. i don't want to see any of you girls get hurt." the other girls stepped up and were now also concerned a little bit and we basically just got to having a conversation about how we're all like sisters and i'll always be watching for aholes trying to take advantage of them. they all said they appreciated it, hugged me, and that's when my buddy P came over to the group of us four girls and made a jackass out of himself. the conversation ended there and they left. i returned across the street, but i felt so insanely angry, yet relieved a little bit that my weird vibe was dead on. angry at him, at myself for letting it happen, for everything that i had just witnessed. he had disappeared by then, so i hung out with everyone else and kept to myself. my head was still spinning with rage, disgust, and hurt. my friend got home from work and i immediately EXPLODED in tears and told her everything i had just observed. i don't think anyone has ever seen me that upset before. i don't even know if i've seen myself that upset before... we walked down to the beach to talk and chill out.
so, i didn't know he was around until much later when we returned to the house to find latina gone from her resting spot and his door closed. again. again. we laid down in my friend's room, but i couldn't even close my eyes. my head was still spinning with the reality of it all. i finally got up and drove home around 5 am, but not before he came out for a smoke and asked me, "did that really happen?! holy shit." and some rant about how delicious she tasted because she's 19. and how he made her come 3 times (riiiiight...). i couldn't even look at him or say a word.
the whole way home i cried. for her. for me. for naiveté. for society. for very real pressures. for misunderstanding. for victimization. for honesty. for inequality. for women everywhere.
(my reactions, and interactions with him since, to come later.)
upset vagina
so yet again i have come down with an infection...downtown. this time the culprit is yeast, Candida albicans, to be precise. i had done a lot of research previously on homeopathic treatments of both BV and candidiasis which have been extremely helpful. i'm not at all a fan of going to the doctor, only for them to prescribe medications that have only tipped my vaginal flora to the other extreme before. it's a fool me once kinda thing. so, with an open mind, i attempted to treat this bitch at home using only great internet wisdom and the plethora of experience from others available.
the cause? i'm not exactly sure, but it could definitely have something to do with a sexual partner dumping half a bottle of tap water out of a gatorade bottle onto my poon last thursday night during the dirty (i was drying up and we were both outta spit). or the fact that i'm constantly on a beach in a wet bikini most of the weekend. or hormonal shifts. or diet (don't think so), or, or...eh, so over it; just wanted it gone ASAP!
the primary treatment regimen i started is THIS!!
wait, what the shit is THAT?!? why, it is a single clove of organic garlic. with a string sewn through it (for easy retrieval). easy, simple, mess-free, natural, and used for probably thousands of years (i imagine). it sounded semi-insane at first, but after reading tons of info on it, i thought, "wtf? why not. what harm could possibly happen from putting an uncut clove of garlic into my lady cavern?" haha. actually harm can happen, chemical burns to be exact from the oil...it's the reason why you leave it uncut and barely pierced. some women even chose to wrap it in cheesecloth or gauze. i'm not a fan of fabric in my twat and quite an avid stitcher, so i tried my own method.
day one is extremely promising - symptoms are nearly entirely gone :) . they recommend night-time insertion mainly because of the almost-instant (within 2 minutes) taste and smell of garlic in my face which lingers as long as it's up there! i asked my mom if i reeked and she said not at all. i'm assuming she is correct there since i am in no position to judge it for myself. recommended removal of cloves is every 5-12 hours so overnight is just fine :) and once a day seemed ideal.
the other treatment i considered was yogurt saturated tampons. plain, organic, UNsweetened yogurt was unavailable around here (don't get me started), so i wasn't about to substitute and take that chance. i did however purchase some oral Lactobacillus acidophilus, L. bulgaricus, L. bifidus, and Streptococcus thermophilus tablets from the drug store as well as garlic tabs and started those as soon as my ass hit the car seat haha. oh, and a dilute salt and vinegar bath. a friend was joking about what else i could add to make my cunt a meal and suggested spaghetti sauce haha. i said just get potato chips, i'll bring the dip...always too far lol.
so, like i said, progress is promising. i (and millions of other women!!) just want this chronic problem to be over...for good. it is honestly the worst thing (admittedly an exaggeration) to have -- itchy, red, inflamed, swollen, painful lady bits (yeast infections do not smell at least! BV is another story...), but vaginas are fickle little creatures, i swear and when they're upset, you're upset...so best respect and look out for her best interest!
PEACE and LOVE (and happy healthy vaginas!)
the cause? i'm not exactly sure, but it could definitely have something to do with a sexual partner dumping half a bottle of tap water out of a gatorade bottle onto my poon last thursday night during the dirty (i was drying up and we were both outta spit). or the fact that i'm constantly on a beach in a wet bikini most of the weekend. or hormonal shifts. or diet (don't think so), or, or...eh, so over it; just wanted it gone ASAP!
the primary treatment regimen i started is THIS!!
wait, what the shit is THAT?!? why, it is a single clove of organic garlic. with a string sewn through it (for easy retrieval). easy, simple, mess-free, natural, and used for probably thousands of years (i imagine). it sounded semi-insane at first, but after reading tons of info on it, i thought, "wtf? why not. what harm could possibly happen from putting an uncut clove of garlic into my lady cavern?" haha. actually harm can happen, chemical burns to be exact from the oil...it's the reason why you leave it uncut and barely pierced. some women even chose to wrap it in cheesecloth or gauze. i'm not a fan of fabric in my twat and quite an avid stitcher, so i tried my own method.
day one is extremely promising - symptoms are nearly entirely gone :) . they recommend night-time insertion mainly because of the almost-instant (within 2 minutes) taste and smell of garlic in my face which lingers as long as it's up there! i asked my mom if i reeked and she said not at all. i'm assuming she is correct there since i am in no position to judge it for myself. recommended removal of cloves is every 5-12 hours so overnight is just fine :) and once a day seemed ideal.
the other treatment i considered was yogurt saturated tampons. plain, organic, UNsweetened yogurt was unavailable around here (don't get me started), so i wasn't about to substitute and take that chance. i did however purchase some oral Lactobacillus acidophilus, L. bulgaricus, L. bifidus, and Streptococcus thermophilus tablets from the drug store as well as garlic tabs and started those as soon as my ass hit the car seat haha. oh, and a dilute salt and vinegar bath. a friend was joking about what else i could add to make my cunt a meal and suggested spaghetti sauce haha. i said just get potato chips, i'll bring the dip...always too far lol.
so, like i said, progress is promising. i (and millions of other women!!) just want this chronic problem to be over...for good. it is honestly the worst thing (admittedly an exaggeration) to have -- itchy, red, inflamed, swollen, painful lady bits (yeast infections do not smell at least! BV is another story...), but vaginas are fickle little creatures, i swear and when they're upset, you're upset...so best respect and look out for her best interest!
PEACE and LOVE (and happy healthy vaginas!)
Friday, May 27, 2011
apologies...been taking it ALL in!
cool marshy area with spanish moss AND alligators!
Pelican on post at the beach where i monitor sea turtle nests!
BEACH BUBBLERS!!
My view from the ground!
Solo walk to the beach for sunrise after a night of no sleep.
Pier
Russsshhhhhh in of waves!
fucking beautiful. that is all.
sorry peeps - been absent with my relocation and everything that comes along with it! haven't really documented much at all outside of my photography. so, here's just a lil taste of where i am loving life right now!!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
gender discussion
sex (biology) and gender (society) are both very interesting topics to me and i could write volumes about my experiences, observations, or just plain curiosities.
the process of gender typing occurs even before we're born as our parents and relatives prepare little rooms for us with gender appropriate color schemes, toys, furniture, clothes, decor. the second we're born, we are wrapped in pink or blue blankets and our heads are covered in a matching lil hat. we pick up on these gendered things at a very early age and experience a range of feelings from being at true harmony with or complete incompatibility with these laid out norms. we're even handled and played with differently as young ones. girls tend to be given less freedom in play (remarkably sedentary!) and are typically directly supervised (and helped/guided) whereas boys are encouraged to go off and play rough and tumble fostering their perceived "needed" independence. compare the good 'ol girl and boy scouts and their activities as an prime example - girls sit and do crafts, play with dolls, have bake sales, sell cookies, sing -- boys go camping, build fires, hike, canoe, and the like. by seeing and doing, all of this enters our psyches in one way or another and we learn to associate...we're all products of this sort of constantly morphing societal machine which takes our action/appearance and spits out a reaction to it, thereby molding our actions and appearances further. the fact is that the majority of people DO fit into these roles and norms we've created or they wouldn't still exist, but enough people do not, and those individuals need to be recognized and given an emotional/societal/political/religious freedom to express that. this scenario also creates a deep rooted value system of beliefs because we begin to build upon our gendered foundations from day 1. it seems the deeper we go or relate to one or the other, the more rigid the expectations we put on ourselves and others to conform.
it's comforting yet saddening to know that individuals' differences were often celebrated in many (eastern, native american, african, etc) cultures prior to colonization by the western *civilized* world. i think the influx of patriarchy, outside power and rule, and religion mostly set the bar for the yet accepted morality and normality we see today - man and woman - woman for man - man with woman - etc. we've rolled with this notion and dealt with the effects of it for far too long. we are definitely continuing to challenge all of this as openly as possible, but as we all know, change takes lots of time and energy!
the process of gender typing occurs even before we're born as our parents and relatives prepare little rooms for us with gender appropriate color schemes, toys, furniture, clothes, decor. the second we're born, we are wrapped in pink or blue blankets and our heads are covered in a matching lil hat. we pick up on these gendered things at a very early age and experience a range of feelings from being at true harmony with or complete incompatibility with these laid out norms. we're even handled and played with differently as young ones. girls tend to be given less freedom in play (remarkably sedentary!) and are typically directly supervised (and helped/guided) whereas boys are encouraged to go off and play rough and tumble fostering their perceived "needed" independence. compare the good 'ol girl and boy scouts and their activities as an prime example - girls sit and do crafts, play with dolls, have bake sales, sell cookies, sing -- boys go camping, build fires, hike, canoe, and the like. by seeing and doing, all of this enters our psyches in one way or another and we learn to associate...we're all products of this sort of constantly morphing societal machine which takes our action/appearance and spits out a reaction to it, thereby molding our actions and appearances further. the fact is that the majority of people DO fit into these roles and norms we've created or they wouldn't still exist, but enough people do not, and those individuals need to be recognized and given an emotional/societal/political/religious freedom to express that. this scenario also creates a deep rooted value system of beliefs because we begin to build upon our gendered foundations from day 1. it seems the deeper we go or relate to one or the other, the more rigid the expectations we put on ourselves and others to conform.
it's comforting yet saddening to know that individuals' differences were often celebrated in many (eastern, native american, african, etc) cultures prior to colonization by the western *civilized* world. i think the influx of patriarchy, outside power and rule, and religion mostly set the bar for the yet accepted morality and normality we see today - man and woman - woman for man - man with woman - etc. we've rolled with this notion and dealt with the effects of it for far too long. we are definitely continuing to challenge all of this as openly as possible, but as we all know, change takes lots of time and energy!
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